Online Parent Support: A Community of Parents Supporting One Another

He has been putting fun and friends before his workouts...

2011-07-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support = Our 16 year old son is extremly good in sports but this last year he has been putting fun and friends before his workouts and practices. How can I get him to go?

My 16.5 year old daughter just had temper, swearing fit...

2011-07-17T11:35:00.001-07:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support =

I need help with the following issue:

My 16.5 year old daughter just had temper, swearing fit because I didn't give her what she wanted...she went out and said she wasn't coming home. She is also pregnant and is planning on having an abortion but because I didn't give into letting her boyfriend sleepover tonight she said she is going to have the baby just to piss us off!!

My 15 year old son has decided to move across the country to live with his dad...

2011-06-14T07:21:00.000-07:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support =

I need help with the following issue: my 15 year old son has decided to move across the country to live with his dad in one months time because he cant stand living here anymore. The issue is that he is not coming home from friends house on any kind of regular basis in the last 2 months, is extremely disrespectful and does not feel that he has to abide by any rules. His dad is supporting this move and i feel like i have no ability to parent my son at this point. I sincerely wish that i had found this program sooner.

I have tried every trick in the book...

2011-06-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support =

I have two girls and an nine year old son my problem has been going for a very long time and I have tried every trick in the book when ever I ask them to help to do a job or something they don’t like to here they scream obscenities at me and they rant and scream. There is no stop button on them the two girls are at it every day when I give them a consequence they scream louder and swear they called me every name you can think of I wish I could kick them out but I would not be able to live with myself. my lovely placid son is getting very sad about it I am at the end of my tether if it was not for my son I would defiantly leave. My husband works long hours and is away quite a lot and he is at a loss as well the girls are ruing my life and my sanity also has a big impact on my marriage.

He just doesn't care about school...

2011-05-17T12:32:00.001-07:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support = I need help with the following issue: He just doesn't care about school, the work or the teachers, he can be very well behaved at home do chores or other things he's asked to do but when it comes to school forget it. He's in 9th grade and failing. 2 of his teachers already requested he be dropped from the class because he is disrespectful and disrupts the other students. We have taken everything away and he sits home all day after school. We just don't know what else to do.

We had problems with her creating a private facebook profile...

2011-05-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support =

I need help with the following issue:

I'm just starting my session 1 assignments. Can I introduce a chore list and a behavior/consequence contract during this time? Or should I wait until session 2? Also before I started this program I had taken away my daughters tv, cell phone, and access to the computer. should I give those back now and start fresh and new? We had problems with her creating a private facebook profile with out our consent and was using it to live her so called double life which included friends talking about using drugs and abusing alcohol , and since we have taken that priviledge away she has been ok without it..how long should I keep her from using facebook and she does have facebook on her phone...I told her about a week ago that when we choose to let her have a facebook profile again that I would need to be friends with her on it to help regulate it..but that is what I was already doing on her main facebook profile, then she created the second one without my knowledge until I figured it out when I was informed of her secret boyfriend and drug and alcohol use.

We wanted to transfer her out of this school to our local private High School...

2011-05-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support =

I need help with the following issue:

I have a meeting with my 15 year olds school councelor in 2 days to discuss a plan for her lack of responsibility and continuing to be tarty and some unexcused absences from some classes. We wanted to transfer her out of this school to our local private High School because of these issues plus having issues with her seeing a 17 year old boyfriend who she hid from us because of his lifestyle which includes drugs, alcohol and no parental involvement or rules. I was notified by a concerned friend about her doing the drug "ecstacy" which completely shocked me and scared me because I am very cautious about where I allow my daughter to go and who she hangs out with. This is when I became aware of all the lying and disrespect came next. She refused to sign the student form for the New private high school, so I have made a new arrangement so it puts the ball in her court. I am making a contract between parent and teen that states what we expect of her for her to continue at this same high school and if she doesnt follow then we will transfer her to the private high school.My question is..what if she does break the contract and she still refuses to go to this private high school? And am I handeling this in the right way?

Are giving consequences the only thing I can do?

2011-04-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support =

I need help with the following issue:

Mark, I posted in the chat under anonymous users 472 and 279. I am the one with the 16 yr. old who wouldn't talk for 34 days because I took his computer away for being hitting his sister (13) and myself. Well, he now has hit her door so hard it broke her mirror on the other side simply because she didn't answer him fast enough. He wanted to use the phone and she had it. He has a cell phone and we have another phone in the house. He looked for those phones for "2 minutes" he said, but he said he was justified at being so angry at her because "she had the phone and wouldn't answer him when he wanted it." When I asked him about forgetting her and looking further to find the other phone in the house or his phone in his room, he said it didn't matter. His main thing was that he thought she should have given the phone to him right away. He said he wasn't going to replace the mirror. He started cursing and crying and getting angry again and stormed out of the house tonight when I took his laptop away. I told him I would do that the next time he was physically agressive. Neither parent was home at the time this happened. I was calm and was the mediator to hear both kids talk about what happened. What do I do with such anger from him? He will not go to therapy. He's like a walking time bomb. What happens if he cannot see that his anger is a problem and blames everything on everyone else? Are giving consequences the only thing I can do?

My daughter has quit school...

2011-04-17T10:35:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com =

My daughter has quit school and has no direction will not return to study is staying out late, drinking in excess and I would like to know how to get her motivation and direction for her study.

I am almost giving up on my son...

2011-03-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen.com = I need help with the following issue:
Hi! I really hope I can get some help. I am almost giving up on my son...it hurts to much to see what he has become and I cant reach him.He has become another person. He his 16 and have a few court cases coming up for stealing, armed robbery, grafting, ets..He dont listen to anyone. He has a curfew from the police. He dont care and comes and goes as he likes. I am tired of being worried and have to pick him up from the police station or having them coming home to look for him.Hi has so much potential but he is waisting it all. He is not going to school, they took him out from there. Like anyone else, we tried different thing to help him. He is a sweet boy and something went wrong.I just want to help him before its to late.

Son is using marijuana...

2011-02-23T07:30:00.000-08:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen.com/ =

I need help with the following issue:

We have discovered that our 18 yr old son is using marijuana. Right now he is sullen and uncommunicative with us. We are trying to determine the extent of his use. Do you have any advice on how we should go about trying to talk to him about this? Worried Mom and Dad

Mother is allowing the kids to get high...

2011-02-17T06:22:00.000-08:00

I need help with the following issue:

I am fairly certain that my son has been going over a friend's house where the mother is allowing the kids to get high- and possibly smoking with them.

I told him he wasn't allowed over there but I am sure he will sneak over there. He is in drug counseling and is on probation for running away. I believe he is smoking K2 so it doesn't show up on his drug tests.

I know he is going to smoke regardless if he goes there but I really don't think ignoring this situation is best. Should I confront the mother and tell her that my son is not allowed there? Any other suggestions?

My Out-of-Control Teen

I got into yelling matches with my daughter...

2011-02-16T06:47:00.000-08:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support =

To user 471: You are only human I got into yelling matches with my daughter and my friend said she got to the point where one day her and her daughter were pulling each others hair its not what we want as mother but they push and push to our absolute limit. my daughter said that's why she left but after 6 moths of her away I know now that wasn't it because its been something different every time she changes the excuses all the time she just wants to do what she wants and they really don't care how it affects you teenagers are really selfish you are not alone.

Daughter lied about where she was...

2011-02-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

Parents_Support_One_Another_@_MyOutOfControlTeen_com/support =

I need help with the following issue:

My 15 yr old daughter lied about where she was last Saturday night. She said she was at a friends house with a group watching movies. I asked for the land line number, as she was spending the night there,(the 2nd night in a row)and later found out she gave me a friends cell number instead. I tried repeatedly to call and text her and she did not answer. Eventually I called the number she gave me and her friend said she was asleep. An hour later she called and said she was fine and asleep, why was i bugging her? The next day she confessed, after threatening to call parents of the house she said she was at, that she and her friends spent the night at a boys house. Said there were parents home, no drugs or alcohol, but would not give me any further info to confirm her story. I took her phone away, banned her from sleepovers,and grounded her for a week. Does the consequences fit the punishment? What straight forward behaviors can she do to earn her privligles back?

My daughter's father plays the good guy...

2011-01-28T12:30:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My daughter's father plays the good guy and will not back me up on issues and does not follow through with the same boundries.

My daughter is 16 years old, and at 15 years ran away 3 times...

2011-01-27T05:53:00.000-08:00

My daughter is 16 years old, and at 15 years ran away 3 times. As we come from Scotland once she turned 16 she became an adult(I dont agree with this law) and after many rows and horrible behaviour calling me a bitch etc every day she used to say if you dont like the way I behave kick me out and one day after her telling me to F--k off in the street as she went to school I blurted out dont come back she didnt but the next day all happy on the phone as me a question for a pregnant friend and I said I think you should be saying something different to me like sorry and slammed the phone down i was so angry with her . She has been away for 5 months now staying with her friends mum initially I kept in contact with this mum but when I said to her that it was wrong to keep her there enough was enough she stopped answering my call .

My daughter did come home for xmas eve got her presents in the morning and then left 3 days later she rang me at night as she was so ill and I nursed for 2 days took time off my work to do so and on new years eve she asked her dad to drive her to her boyfriends on the way back from the hospital and we haven't seen her since she has txt a couple of times . I was really ill with swine flu and she never txt to ask how I was even when she knew. In all of this she left school with no qualifications even though she was an straight A student . The family she is with does not have the same eduactional standards as we had hoped . We tried family mediation till she stormed out and refused to come back. Her own person from mediation she chose rang me and said.

she said she is going to ring you at the end of the month to meet and then with a view to coming home at end of february but I know this is a lie because if she wanted come home she would have by now .I am devastated and have cried everyday she has been away. She has been so nasty and I know reading the book that this is what out of control teenagers are like but I'm struggling with the fact that she doesn't kep in contact and I have not contacted her for 14 days now because all I get is lies and evryone around me says leave her be let her come to you. I guess I just need advice as to know if I'm doing the right thing or how do I get my daughter back in our lives?

My Out-of-Control Daughter

My 15 year old son keeps sneaking out at night...

2011-01-09T07:49:00.001-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My 15 year old son keeps sneaking out at night after we go to bed. He lies and says he has been out running, but he has been caught going to his girlfriends. He has come home with hickies on him. Grounding isn't working. Do you have any advise?

Stepson is a drug user...

2011-01-08T11:06:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I have a 16 year old stepson who is always asking for $5 because he is a drug user. When my wife tells him no, he becomes very violent with her and begins destroying whatever is in his path. When we try to get him to earn his money he will reject that but my wife still gives in. I fear that he will hurt her because he is on probation for already assaulting her. It doesn't seem to matter to her because she doesn't want to get the police involved in those moments because she doesn't want him arrested. I feel helpless because if I try to stand up for her she takes his side and we get into argument because she blames herself for his behavior because of her previous marriage. I would like opinions on the matter and see if I can get any helpful advice on what I should do as a stepfather. Please keep in mind that we have a 12 year old and a 6 year old who have been subjected to these outbursts.

What do I do when my child just blatantly walks out the door?

2010-12-12T06:25:00.001-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

My 14 year old acts out by just walking out of the house, even if he is grounded. How can I enforce discipline if he just walks out? What do I do when my child just blatantly walks out the door?

My 14 yr old is on probation for battery and trespass...

2010-11-13T11:27:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My 14 yr old is on probation for battery and trespass, his drug use is more my concern and those teens he choses to hang with. He failed his first drug screen at behaviour health, he dosn't seem to have a clue how serious this all is. He is failing at school and argues about everything. I am having some success with the e book and utilizing the juvenille justice system, but am really worried about him. Two of his best friends just got caught at school smoking pot and ran from home.

My granddaughter is before the juvenile courts next week...

2010-11-13T10:51:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My granddaughter is before the juvenile courts next week for drunk and disorderly in public place and assaulting a policewoman. When I went to pick her up at the police station she was so drunk she could not stand up. I took her home that night but did not say much because of the state she was in. I just hugged her and made her warm and cosy in bed. But when I went out of the room she swallowed some pills and I took her to emergency at the hospital. She was hospitalised for two days but was fine to leave. I grounded her until her court case came up in a weeks time. The police said she was hanging out with much older boys who were really dangerous lot. Last night when she was at her mothers place she got out the bedroom window and went to a party. She walked all on her own into town found some friends and went to the party. When we found out we went out looking for her. We were just about to give up when we found two of her 14 yrs. old friend walking home from the party she was at. This was at 2 am. They both had alcohol on their breath. When we found my granddaughter she refused to come home at first but she was so drunk that it was easy to get her in the car. She threatened to kill herself that night. This morning we asked her step father to take her out for a few days out of town and she kicked holes in the wall. We have already taken her mobile and ipod. What else and were do we go now. We have tried a psychologist and counselling and she treats it like a big joke. She has always been a sweet lovely girl and is small for her age and dresses very provocatively. i feel she is in high risk category but am exhausted with trying to find a solution.

I am a single father with 2 teenage children...

2010-10-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com = I need help with the following issue:

Hi I am a single father with 2 teenage children 10 years ago my marriage come to the point where it was a war zone I had had both of my children living with me at the time a little girl who is now 15 & a little boy who is now 13. Well my girl was a screamer and toss things and could not understand No well she went back to her mothers while i was living in the same town as my wife but the marriage got worse and I had to by choice leave the town I could not bare to be in the same town as my wife. Having my boy was great he is a slow school learner and can drive me up the wall a bit does not push me to breaking point. Well I made the choice to also have my little girl as she was a screamer I did not want to leave her with her mother that drank to much & had already had men friends I knew taking my little girl would be very hard but i did not thing it would be so hard almost impossible she had and still has learning impairment Well at 15 after many different course my girl is still not Listening to me 7 is trying to understand me still screams and toss & breaks things & does not like to hear the word No she also feels rejection & I feel blaming me for her feelings. With her mother she did not see her for some years as I went though unforgiveness but got over it and she as slow her drinking down and my girl now goes and sees her as just come back after spending a least 7 weeks with her. Due to my Anger I say she can go & live with her mother & other things so I feel I have been a bad parent as a good parent would not have allowed this to happen. What is the view of others on single fathers? Am I a bad parent or did I just not do a good job?

My daughter has returned after running away...

2010-10-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

My daughter has returned after running away. Now she thinks she can live an adults life but at home. We have told her its not on. Her father wants to kick her out. She is 15. Her aunt in another state says we can give her a choice of out on the st or to go to her place for time out. She wont live by our rules and her father at this stage wont let her stay. What should i do?

My son who 17, left the house last night...

2010-10-19T06:59:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My son who 17, left the house last night... mostly from me telling him too... ( the guilt is eating me alive). Do I get a hold of him to let him know ( if I can, he doesn't have a cell phone) that I do love him, but need the space from all the anger, and will always be here for him???

My daughter has become defiant...

2010-10-19T06:41:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: My daughter has become defiant to rules of behavior especially talking back and disrespect to parents. Taking away privileges does not seem to help. What else can I do?

Can I keep her away from these friends?

2010-09-30T10:00:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: I'm just starting this program and my daughter is so out of control that I can't even have a normal conversation with her. Whenever I try to talk, or discuss something, as soon as she hears something she does not like she tells me to shut up, she's not listening and talks over me or just says blah, blah blah. How do I talk to her without getting this response. Also, I can't stand her friends. They are all like her, they have no direction in life and I know they do drugs which means she must also. I have more but I think this is enough for now. Question, can I keep her away from these friends? I am at a loss.

Keeping my child on track with school...

2010-09-30T06:27:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: keeping my child on track with school and trying to teach him to make good choices with friends and activities - at the moment he's on a downward spiral - in his 3rd school this year,in trouble at school all the time, refuses to do any schoolwork, is abusive etc etc Having said all this I've only just started Mark's programme, so I'm hoping his techniques will help me.

My sixteen year old got caught smoking cigarettes...

2010-09-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com = I need help with the following issue:

My sixteen year old got caught smoking cigarettes and tried for 2 hours afterward to have me agree that he can smoke pot once in a while at parties so he doesnt feel guilty about it... agreed that smoking is bad but marajuana isnn't of course I did not give in but how crazy is that?

My 11 year old daughter is fine until I try to get her to work on her homework...

2010-09-25T15:04:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My 11 year old daughter is fine until I try to get her to work on her homework, then she delays, refuses, resists, then eventually turns to beating and kicking me, when i invoke punishments for it, and i have to literally defend myself. Punishments and consequences don't mean much. There's little I can take away from her now that i haven't taken away already. what can I do? Let her continue to fail in school?

COMMENT

The First Law of Homework: Most children do not like to do homework.

Kids do not enjoy sitting and studying. At least, not after having spent a long school day comprised mostly of sitting and studying. So give up your desire to have them like it. Focus on getting them to do it.

The Second Law of Homework: You cannot make anyone do it.

You cannot make your child learn. You cannot make him hold a certain attitude. You cannot make him move his pencil.

While you cannot insist, you can assist. Concentrate on assisting by sending positive invitations. Invite and encourage your child using the ideas that follow.

The Third Law of Homework: It's their Problem.

Their pencils have to move. Their brains need to engage. Their bottoms need to be in the chair. It is their report cards that they bring home.

Too many parents see homework as the parent's problem. So they create ultimatums, scream and shout, threaten, bribe, scold, and withhold privileges. Have you noticed that most of these tactics do not work?

Our responsibility as parents is to provide our children with an opportunity to do homework. Our job is to provide structure, to create the system. The child's job is to use the system.

Tip # One

Eliminate the word homework from your vocabulary. Replace it with the word study. Have a study time instead of a homework time. Have a study table instead of a homework table. This word change alone will go a long way towards eliminating the problem of your child saying, "I don't have any homework." Study time is about studying, even if you don't have any homework. It's amazing how much more homework kids have when they have to study regardless of whether they have homework or not.

Tip # Two

Establish a study routine. This needs to be the same time every day. Let your children have some input on when study time occurs. Once the time is set, stick to that schedule. Kids thrive on structure even as they protest. It may take several weeks for the routine to become a habit. Persist. By having a regular study time you are demonstrating that you value education.

Tip # Three.

Keep the routine predictable and simple. One possibility includes a five minute warning that study time is approaching, bringing their current activity to an end, clearing the study table, emptying their back pack of books and supplies, then beginning.

Tip # Four

Allow children to make choices about homework and related issues. They could choose to do study time before or after dinner. They could do it immediately after they get home or wake up early in the morning to do it. Invite them to choose the kitchen table or a spot in their own room. One choice children do not have is whether or not to study.

Tip # Five

Help without over-functioning. Only help if your child asks for it. Do not do problems or assignments for children.

When your child says, "I can't do it," suggest they act as if they can. Tell them to pretend like they know and see what happens. Then leave the immediate area and let them see if they can handle it from there. If they keep telling you they don't know how and you decide to offer help, concentrate on asking than on telling.

Ask:

"What do you get?"
"What parts do you understand?"
"Can you give me an example?"
"What do you think the answer is?"
"How could you find out?"

Tip # Six

If you want a behavior you have to teach a behavior. Disorganization is a problem for many school age children. If you want them to be organized you have to invest the time to help them learn an organizational system. Your job is to teach them the system. Their job is to use it. Yes, check occasionally to see if the system is being used. Check more often at first. Provide direction and correction where necessary.

If your child needs help with time management, teach them time management skills. Help them learn what it means to prioritize by the importance and due date of each task. Teach them to create an agenda each time they sit down to study. Help them experience the value of getting the important things done first.

Tip # Seven

Replace monetary and external rewards with encouraging verbal responses. End the practice of paying for grades and going on a special trip for ice cream. This style of bribery has only short term gains and does little to encourage children to develop a lifetime love of learning.

Instead make positive verbal comments that concentrate on describing the behavior you wish to encourage.

"You followed the directions exactly and finished in 15 minutes."

"I notice you stayed up late last night working on your term paper. It probably wasn't easy saving that much to the end, but your efforts got it done."

"All your letters are right between the lines. I'll bet your teacher won't have any trouble reading this."

"I see you got the study table all organized and ready to go early. Looks like initiative and responsibility hooked together to me."

Tip # Eight

Use study time to get some of your own responsibilities handled. Do the dishes, fold laundry, or write thank you notes. Keep the TV off! If you engage in fun or noisy activities during that time children will naturally be distracted. Study time is a family commitment. If you won't commit to it, don't expect that you children will.

Special Note: tonight when your child is studying, begin on your homework assignment, which follows. Reread this article. Decide which parts of it you want to implement. Determine when you will begin. Put it in writing. Then congratulate yourself for getting your homework done.

He seems to hate his 12 year old sister...

2010-08-13T05:03:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:
My son is 14, always angry and always feels sick in the morning. I really can't tell anymore if he's faking it. He never wants to go to school. He seems to hate his 12 year old sister - cannot even be in the same room with her.

My 13 year old son refuses to go to school...

2010-08-01T07:01:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I am new so I hope I do this correctly....

My 13 year old son refuses to go to school. When I went to the school for help they told my son that if he missed so many days (10) with no excuse they would send the SRO (policeman assigned to our middle school) to come get him. My son missed many more days than 10 and the school never followed through with anything. We do take away privledges but nothing we have done so far has any impact on him at all. Do we call the police? Do we charge him with an "undiciplined minor" through our court system? Do I just do nothing and let him take whatever consequences come his way (failing, etc.)? He doesn't do homework or study either and just has no interest in school. He just doesn't care at all (on the outside) and he starts school again tomorrow for his 8th grade year. I want to be able to do things consistently and I want to know what to do if he refuses to go. I can't physically force him at his age. Please help.

My son was suspended for pulling fire alarm at school...

2010-07-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Question

My son was suspended for pulling fire alarm at school in the main gym. He has 1:1, the alarm was pulled 3 times over multiple weeks, no adult ever saw him do it. Besides the aide, there is a gym teacher and assistant. There are 3 fire alarms in the open main gym. The class is small (20 kids). He is 12. A girl who is "a tattler" per my son said he did it the last time. The other times, no kids knew who did it. My son is high functioning autism, can't speak quickly, is 12/going through puberty. The gym teacher called him a brute and the assistant principal claims he "confessed". They sent the police to house and they grilled him for 1/2 hour. He was consistent and cooperative in telling what happened, where he was, that he didn't know who did it, that he did not do it himself. He ran away from the school at 3 p.m. just after the incident because he was afraid they would send him to juvenile hall. The assistant principal called me and screamed abuse that I was a horrible mother because I asked her to release him to walk home as per norm since it was time for school to let out and I was stuck on conference call where I was the host. My son showed up as I picked up keys to go to school to get him after breaking up the meeting early. The police showed up shortly thereafter. The claim was that I "happily laugh while spanking my son", which caused my son to snort and choke on glass of water while laughing, and that I'd "refused" to get him, which was not true. I merely said I couldn't come immediately.

The officers concluded that the school was clearly off in their judgment and suggested I put my son in private school as solution!

Seems to me my son has a right to an education without harassment and I have a right to raise my family without false accusations being thrown at me and in being treated in such a fashion by school personnel.

What can or should I do now? My son started to act out and actually held a chair over my head and restrained himself from hitting me with it after the incident even though I merely told him that it was best to not blame others if one did something wrong, it was best to just 'fess up, make amends and move on, and that I didn't know if he did it or not, it seemed a bit strange, but he should have stayed away from the fire alarms since he knew that it was a sore point with the school at that juncture anyway.

Suspension was for 3 days so obviously my contending it wouldn't accomplish much. He missed the last 3 days of school. He missed the school party because the aide told him she'd be there so he didn't want to go. She harasses him, but school refused to remove her.

Ideas on what to do now? Situation is broken, my son will get in trouble whether or not he is doing something wrong, it’s an unhealthy set of relationships that can't be good for his schooling.

I am a single, sole supporting Mom and I just finished winning a major legal battle with regional centers for him that maxed out my finances, my strength, so I need to move on in caring for my family and working, getting healthy again.

Appreciate tips. This is all beyond me.

Answer

We recommend that your child get an IEP. An Individualized Educational Program (IEP) is an educational plan for your youngster. If your youngster receives special education services, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) requires that your youngster have an IEP!

If you are like many moms and dads, when you receive a telephone call or letter inviting you to an IEP meeting, you respond with anxiety. Few moms and dads look forward to attending IEP meetings. You may feel anxious, confused and inadequate at school meetings. What is your role? What do you have to offer? What should you do? Say? Not do?

Because they are not educators, most moms and dads don't understand that they have a unique role to play in the IEP process.

Moms and dads are the experts on their youngster.

Think about it. You spend hours every week in the company of your youngster. You make casual observations about your youngster in hundreds of different situations. You are emotionally connected to and attuned to your youngster. You notice small but important changes in your youngster's behavior and emotions that may be overlooked by others. You have very specialized knowledge about your youngster. This also helps to explain why your perspective about your youngster may be quite different from that of the educators who only observe your youngster in the school setting.

Why do moms and dads feel so anxious, inadequate and intimidated in school meetings? Most moms and dads seem to believe that because they are not "trained educators" -- and don't speak "education jargon" -- they have little of value to contribute to discussions about their youngster's education.

The "Parental Role"

Perhaps we can explain "parental role" more clearly if we change the facts to illustrate our point.

Think back to the last time your youngster was sick and you saw a doctor for medical treatment. You provided the doctor or nurse with information about the youngster's symptoms and general health. They asked you for your observations -- because you are more familiar with your youngster.

Good health care providers elicit this kind of information from moms and dads. They do not assume that unless moms and dads have medical training, they have little of value to offer! When health care professionals diagnose and treat kids, they gather information from different sources. Observations of the youngster are an important source of information. The doctor's own medical observations and lab tests are added to the information you provide from your own personal observations.

Do you need to be medically trained before you have any valid or important information to offer the doctor about your youngster's health? Of course not.

Decision-Making: Medical v. Educational

To diagnose a youngster's problem and develop a good treatment plan, doctors need more than subjective observations. Regardless of their skill and experience, in most cases doctors need objective information about the youngster. Information from diagnostic tests provides them with objective information. When medical specialists confront a problem, they gather information -- information from observations by themselves and others and from objective testing.

Special education decision-making is similar to medical decision-making. The principles are the same. Sound educational decision-making includes observations by people who know the youngster well and objective information from various tests and assessments.

In both medical and educational situations, a youngster is having problems that must be correctly identified. The Individualized Education Plan (IEP) is similar to a medical treatment plan. The IEP includes information about the youngster's present levels of performance on various tests and measures. The IEP also includes information about goals and objectives for the youngster, specifically how educational problems will be addressed. The IEP should also include ways for moms and dads and educators to measure the youngster's progress toward the goals and objectives.

Evaluating Progress

Now, think back to that last time your youngster was sick and needed medical attention. You left the doctor's office with some sort of plan -- and an appointment to return for a follow-up visit. When you returned for the follow-up visit, you were asked more questions about how your youngster was doing -- again, you were asked about your observations. This information helped the doctor decide whether or not your youngster was responding appropriately to treatment. If you advised that your youngster was not responding to the treatment and continued to have problems, then the doctor knew that more diagnostic work was needed and that the treatment plan may need to be changed.

Special education situations are similar to medical situations - except that these decisions are made by a group of people called the IEP Team or IEP Committee. As the parent, you are a member of the IEP team. Before the IEP Team can develop an appropriate plan (IEP) for your youngster, the youngster's problems must be accurately identified and described.

To make an accurate diagnosis, the IEP team will need to gather information from many sources. This information will include subjective observations of the youngster in various environments - including the home environment and the classroom. The information should also include objective testing. Objective testing needs to be done to measure the extent of the youngster's problems and provide benchmarks to measure progress or lack of progress over time.

If your youngster receives special education services, you know that a new educational plan or IEP must be developed for your youngster at least once a year. Why is this?

Kids grow and change rapidly. Their educational needs also change rapidly. In many cases, the IEP needs to be revised more often than once a year. Moms and dads and educators can ask for a meeting to revise the IEP more often than once a year -- and new IEPs can be developed as often as necessary.

The youngster's educational plan, i.e. the IEP, should always include information from objective testing and information provided by people --including the moms and dads and educators -- who observe the youngster frequently.

WHAT SHOULD BE IN MY YOUNGSTER'S IEP?

The IEP should accurately describe your youngster's learning problems and how these problems are going to be dealt with.

Present Levels of Educational Performance

One of the best and clearest ways to describe your youngster's unique problems is to include information from the evaluations. The IEP document should contain a statement of the youngster's present levels of educational performance. If your youngster has reading problems, the IEP should include reading subtest scores. If your youngster has problems in math calculation, the IEP should include the math calculation subtest scores. To help you understand what these scores mean, you should read our article '.

Goals and Objectives

The IEP should also include a statement of measurable annual goals, including benchmarks and short- term objectives. The goals and objectives should be related to your youngster's needs that result from the disability and should enable your youngster to be involved in and progress in the general curriculum. The goals and objectives should meet other educational needs that result from your youngster's disability.

The IEP goals should focus on reducing or eliminating the youngster's problems. The short term objectives should provide you and the teacher with ways to measure educational progress. Are reading decoding skills being mastered? How do you know this? An IEP should include ways for you and the teacher to objectively measure your youngster's progress or lack of progress (regression) in the special education program.

In our work, we see many IEPs that are not appropriate. These IEPs do not include goals and objectives that are relevant to the youngster's educational problems. In one of our cases, the IEP for a dyslexic youngster with severe problems in reading and writing, included goals to improve his "higher level thinking skills," his "map reading skills" and his "assertiveness" -- but no goals to improve his reading and written language skills. This is a common problem -- IEP goals that sound good but don't address the youngster's real problems in reading, writing or arithmetic.

If you take your youngster to the doctor for a bad cough, you want the cough treated. You won't have much confidence in a doctor who ignores the cough -- and gives you a prescription for ulcer medicine!

Measuring Progress: Subjective Observations and Objective Testing

Let's return to our medical example. Your son John complained that his throat was sore. You see that his throat is red. His skin is hot to the touch. He is sleepy and lethargic. These are your observations.

Based on concerns raised by your subjective observations, you take John to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor will add subjective observations to yours. Objective testing will be done. When John's temperature is measured, it is 104. Preliminary lab work shows that John has an elevated white count. A strep test is positive. These objective tests suggest that John has an infection.

Based on information from subjective observations and objective tests, the doctor develops a treatment plan -- including a course of antibiotics. Later, you and John return -- and you share your ongoing observations with the doctor. John's temperature returned to normal a few days ago. His throat appears normal. These are your subjective observations.

Subjective observations provide valuable information -- but in many cases, they will not provide sufficient evidence that John's infection is gone. After John's doctor makes additional observations -- she may order additional objective testing. Why?

You cannot see disease-causing bacteria. To test for the presence of bacteria, you must do objective testing. Unless you get objective testing, you cannot know if John's infection has dissipated.

By the same token, you will not always know that your youngster is acquiring skills in reading, writing or arithmetic -- unless you get objective testing of these skills.

How will you know if the IEP plan is working? Should you rely on your subjective observations? The teacher's subjective observations? Or should you get additional information from objective testing?

Your Youngster is "Really Making Progress"

We have worked with hundreds of families who were assured that their youngster was "really making progress." Although the moms and dads did not see evidence of this "progress," they placed their trust in the educators. After their youngster was evaluated, these moms and dads were horrified to learn that their suspicions were correct -- and the professional educators were wrong.

In one of our cases, Jay, an eight year old boy with average intelligence, received special education services for two years -- through all of kindergarten and first grade. Jay's moms and dads felt that he was not learning how to read and write like other kids his age. The regular education and special education educators repeatedly assured the moms and dads that Jay was "really making progress." The principal also told the moms and dads that Jay was "really making progress."

After he completed first grade, the moms and dads had Jay tested by a private sector diagnostician. The results of the private testing? Jay's abilities were in the average to above average range. His skills in Reading and Written Language were at the early to mid-Kindergarten level. After two years of special education, Jay had not learned to read or write.

When educators tell you that your youngster is "making progress," that teacher is giving you an opinion based on subjective observations. As you just saw in Jay's case, opinions and subjective observations may not give you accurate information.

If you have questions or concerns about whether your youngster is really making progress, you need to get objective testing of the academic skills areas -- reading, writing, arithmetic and spelling. After you get the results of objective testing, you will know whether or not your youngster is really making progress toward the goals in the IEP.

The IEP: The "Centerpiece" of Special Education Law

The IEP has been called the "centerpiece" of the special education law. As you read through this article, you will learn more about the law -- and the rights that insure that all kids who need special education receive appropriate services. You will read about cases that have been decided around the country. Each of these cases is having an impact on the special education system today -- improving the quality of special education services for all handicapped kids -- including your youngster.

After you learn about the law, regulations and cases, you will know how to write an IEP. If the IEP is written properly, you will be able to measure your youngster's progress.

We said this earlier -- and it bears repeating. If you measure your youngster's progress -- using objective measures -- you will know whether your youngster is actually learning and benefiting from the program. If objective testing shows that your youngster is not learning and progressing as expected, then you know that the educational plan is not appropriate and your youngster is regressing.

If your youngster is not learning and making progress -- with this progress measured objectively -- then the IEP needs to be changed.

It will help you to read this article several times. You should also read our companion article: Understanding Tests and Measurements for the Parent and Advocate. After you understand the information contained in both of these articles, you will be on your way to developing good quality IEPs for your youngster.

Online Parent Support

She physical attacks me...

2010-07-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

I need help with the following issue: I have my 13 year old daughter staying with relatives till I work out two legal issues ...one being she physical attacks me. She doesn't like being there and keeps calling me and texting me to come home. What type of communication should I establish?

Our 14 year old keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night...

2010-06-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Our 14 year old keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night. We've screwed the windows shut, called police. She says she sorry...but she can't be that sorry if she keeps doing it. What is the best way to handle this? We've told her it is a safety issue more than anything else.

17-year-old Daughter is Out-of-Control

2010-06-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

MY 17 YR OLD DAUGHTER IS OUT OF CONTROL SHE JUST STARTED DRIVING AND I FOUND EMPTY BOTTLES IN THE CAR SHE WONT COME HOME ON TIME SHE DRIVES AFTER CURFEW SHE HANGS OUT WITH TRASH AND SHE SAID IF I CALL THE COPS SHE WILL MAKE UP LIES SAYING THAT I BEAT HER SHE SAID NO MATTER WHAT I DO SHE WILL TURN IT AROUND AND RUIN MY LIFE BY MAKING UP ANY LIE SHE CAN THINK OF, IM AFRAID OF MY OWN KID. WE LIVE IN NICE HOME I HAVE GIVEN UP MY LIFE TO RAISE THESE KIDS ALONE WITH NOT ONE OUNCE OF HELP SHE WORKS AND SHE BOUGHT HER OWN CAR BUT I PAY INS ON IT AND WHEN I THREATEN TO STOP THE PAYMENTS SHE SAYS SHES CALLING COPS ON ME AND GOING TO CLAIM ABUSE AND THAT I WILL NEVER WIN, HER FATHER DOESNT CARE AND REFUSES TO HELP ME HES REMARRIED AND DOESNT CARE ABOUT HIS KIDS. SHES A DEMON AND I AM BROKEN DOWN AND ALREADY BEEN HOSPITALIZED OVER THIS BECAUSE OF THE STRESS, I HAD BAD CAR ACCIDENT LOST MY JOB AND SHE DOESNT CARE AT ALL. I FEEL AS IF I HAVE CREATED A MONSTER AND IM AT A LOSS AS TO HOW TO FIX IT. IF I DONT GET SOME HELP I DNT THINK I CAN KEEP LIVING IN THIS MISERY,STRESS AND WORRY , MY DAYS AND NIGHTS ARE SPENT IN TEARS AND SHE DOESNT CARE.

Our son does not listen at all...

2010-06-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Our son does not listen at all and now he is basically doing anything he wants including staying in someone’s house spending a night or the weekend and not telling us where he is.

School has become unimportant to him, so far he fail his academic year and he seems not to care a bit. He is also smoking weed frequently and he allows his friends to come into the house and do it in the basement while we are away.

Our house has become their hang out station for everything they want to do, of course all these happen when we are not around.

We are desperately in need for some guidance, I (dad) am about to lose self control and start going crazy in which my next step will be to beat him up....this is the last thing I want to do but I do not see any other choice.

Please help!

Our son is 14 and is getting poor grades...

2010-05-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Our son is 14 and is getting poor grades since the beginning of this year, is using marijuana and is openly defiant with us at home and with teachers at school. We are doing the assignments in session 1 but we know that his sister who is 2 years older (and not defiant) supports him when he speaks poorly of authority figures. What can we do?

13 year old daughter dates 17+ year olds...

2010-05-12T12:10:00.003-07:00

My 13 year old daughter dates 17+ year olds. Any advise????

ODD Son

2010-05-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Our 17 year old son has suddenly changed from a pretty good teen to a kid that fits the description of ODD in the space of 5 weeks. We had to take him go to a Youth Hostel because the school counsellor said his behaviour at home was too much to handle and was escalating (wanting to fight his Dad, calling us 'f'ing morons, telling me to shut up, not telling us where he was going, hanging up on us all the time - all out of character). He got really good attention and help from the staff there (how to iron, wash, do chores, still attend school etc). But our son rebelled against it and convinced his friend's parent (by lying) to get him out. He has been living with her and her son for 2 weeks and he's starting to not like her rules either and acting like the boss in her house now. He won't have any contact with us and we don't know what to do. I'm sure she is going to ask him to leave within days but he has no money so where will he go? He is still going to school but for how long I don't know. He has always been a willful child but was doing well in school and wanted to get a good job but now he has just 'lost it'. Don't understand how this happened. Do we try to contact him again (he always tells us to 'f' off though) and ask him to come home or do we let him 'hit rock bottom' so he appreciates what he had and wants to come back? Then maybe we could get some counselling. (I doubt he will admit he was wrong - it's always someone else's fault). Sorry to ramble but things are spiraling out of control.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All children are oppositional from time to time, particularly when tired, hungry, stressed or upset. They may argue, talk back, disobey, and defy parents, teachers, and other adults. Oppositional behavior is often a normal part of development for two to three year olds and early adolescents. However, openly uncooperative and hostile behavior becomes a serious concern when it is so frequent and consistent that it stands out when compared with other children of the same age and developmental level and when it affects the child’s social, family and academic life.

In children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), there is an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that seriously interferes with the youngster’s day to day functioning. Symptoms of ODD may include:

* Frequent temper tantrums
* Excessive arguing with adults
* Often questioning rules
* Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
* Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
* Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
* Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
* Frequent anger and resentment
* Mean and hateful talking when upset
* Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

The symptoms are usually seen in multiple settings, but may be more noticeable at home or at school. One to sixteen percent of all school-age children and adolescents have ODD. The causes of ODD are unknown, but many parents report that their child with ODD was more rigid and demanding that the child’s siblings from an early age. Biological, psychological and social factors may have a role.

A child presenting with ODD symptoms should have a comprehensive evaluation. It is important to look for other disorders which may be present; such as, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), learning disabilities, mood disorders (depression, bipolar disorder) and anxiety disorders. It may be difficult to improve the symptoms of ODD without treating the coexisting disorder. Some children with ODD may go on to develop conduct disorder.

Treatment of ODD may include: Parent Management Training Programs to help parents and others manage the child’s behavior. Individual Psychotherapy to develop more effective anger management. Family Psychotherapy to improve communication and mutual understanding. Cognitive Problem-Solving Skills Training and Therapies to assist with problem solving and decrease negativity. Social Skills Training to increase flexibility and improve social skills and frustration tolerance with peers.

Medication may be helpful in controlling some of the more distressing symptoms of ODD as well as the symptoms related to coexistent conditions such as ADHD, anxiety and mood disorders.

A child with ODD can be very difficult for parents. These parents need support and understanding. Parents can help their child with ODD in the following ways:

* Always build on the positives, give the child praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.
* Take a time-out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your child worse, not better. This is good modeling for your child. Support your child if he decides to take a time-out to prevent overreacting.
* Pick your battles. Since the child with ODD has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your child to do. If you give your child a time-out in his room for misbehavior, don’t add time for arguing. Say “your time will start when you go to your room.”
* Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently.
* Maintain interests other than your child with ODD, so that managing your child doesn’t take all your time and energy. Try to work with and obtain support from the other adults (teachers, coaches, and spouse) dealing with your child.
* Manage your own stress with healthy life choices such as exercise and relaxation. Use respite care and other breaks as needed

Many children with ODD will respond to the positive parenting techniques. Parents may ask their pediatrician or family physician to refer them to a child and adolescent psychiatrist or qualified mental health professional who can diagnose and treat ODD and any coexisting psychiatric condition.

My Out-of-Control Child

I am so mentally exhausted from dealing with my teenage son and his friends...

2010-04-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I am so mentally exhausted from dealing with my teenage son and his friends. While I am glad in a way that they hang out at our place, they tatally disrespect our space and my son will say "my bad" and say stuff like "we're teenagers, Mom" It takes 5 or 6 times of first asking, then yelling for him to clean up the dishes, etc. We've already said no one in the house unless one of us is home, but now the outside looks like we've become hillbillies!

12 YO has become increasingly defiant...

2010-04-21T08:01:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = We are pulling our son out of PS in the Fall and teaching him and my daughter from home. #1 because that is what God instructs us to do, #2 because our 12 YO has become increasingly defiant and his grades are falling fast. There is no drug/alcohol abuse, just a sense of the world revolving around him and lack of empathy for others. Lack of motivation and lack of desire to do antything if it doesn't concern him, his friends, girls and skating. (in that order). Just wondering if anyone out there has taken their child from a PS and had a good experience homeschooling. We have tried everything and view ourselves as reasonable parents with reasonable expectations. Thank you!

How long do I issue consequences at home?

2010-04-21T07:55:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: My son was suspended for 2 days from school. How long do I issue consequences at home? I have taken away video games and computer privileges (how long?) He also has physical work assigned for the second day of suspension. I am just not sure how long it is appropriate to with hold other privileges.

My teen has been stealing money from our wallets...

2010-04-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My teen has been stealing money from our wallets, we have to lock up our purses and wallets and its driving me crazy. I don't know what to do but scream and that's no way to handle it? HELP!

Insist on the father doing ongoing marijuana urine screens...?

2010-04-11T10:38:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Hi, I have just emailed mark about a complicated situation to do with Family Court and my children's father seeking nearly half custody of our son. Their father has had a 10 year drug and alcohol problem with escalating physical and emotional violence which has severely affected the children. I would like to know if it is the right thing to be insisting on the father doing ongoing marijuana urine screens and hair follicle alcohol testing as well as insisting on ongoing addiction programs and support? Also would you be able to tell me what you know about the testing and in particular the hair follicle alcohol tests?

My daughter is 15 and runs away overnight...

2010-04-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

My daughter is 15 and runs away overnight without letting me know where she is going. I know she drinks alcohol ...my husband yells at me for crying and then goes fishing... I am so alone... I am trying to have faith but I have no one to talk to you... I am feeling so isolated, lonely and depressed.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Does paying for activities such as Scouts and music lessons count as over-indulging?

2010-04-09T07:18:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I have just finished learning the material in Week One. Does paying for activities such as Scouts and music lessons count as over-indulging? I like my kids to do these things and there's no way they could earn enough to cover the cost with their allowance. They are aged 11 and 13.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMMENT

I would say Scouts and music lessons fall more into the "education" category rather than the "fun and games" category. I don't think you should pay them for these things, but it's certainly o.k. for you to fund these activities.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

He's very strong and that scares me...

2010-04-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

I have a 15 yr old son who is relatively calm and quiet. He's very strong and that scares me... when something makes him mad, he totally looses control... tonight I took his I pod away and he grabbed my arm and repeatedly punched me in the back. That happened after I heard my younger son screamnig because he threw him out of the room hurting him. I am very afraid of him now and he hasn't even apologized. My younger son is very frightened. My husband is on business and if I were to tell him, he'd react with violence, causing my son to become more violent. The police came and said they should arrest him but I felt he would be devastated and become very depressed if that happened and make things worse. I feel so helpless.

My Out-of-Control Teen

What do I do about disciplining the current problems?

2010-03-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I am just starting my first week of assignments on MOOCT. I understand I am just supposed to implement only this weeks assignment. What do I do about disciplining the current problems? i.e. lying, drinking, missed curfews?

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Answer

Good question. Continue doing what you would ordinarily do - until instructed to do it differently.

Mark

He has a history of lying to us, stealing from us, verbally abusing us, and blaming us for all of his problems...

2010-03-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My son just returned home from college due to poor grades. He has a history of lying to us, stealing from us, verbally abusing us, and blaming us for all of his problems. I am so afraid of the peace in our home being destroyed once again...not fair to his brother or us. HELP!!

My twins are out of control!

2010-03-18T09:04:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

My twins are out of control! Their doing everything from drugs to drinking to skipping class and leaving campus. I've just started this program and need feed-back to issue appropriate discipline right away as Im not to this section of the program yet. One is already grounded and yesterday she cut class and went shopping. It just goes on and on. I have found that it just goes from one to the other with twins. What one doesn't think of the other does. HELP!

We have a defiant 15 year old son...

2010-03-09T16:52:00.001-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

We have a defiant 15 year old son who will not admit when he has done something right in front of us. How do we approach him correctly and get him to admit that he has done that and how do we get him to stop doing his purposeful annoying/bothering to his younger brothers?

He went into a rage, slamming stuff, punching the wall, and cursing at me...

2010-03-03T07:22:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I am starting week one, last night I talked with my 17 year old son. I told him that changes are coming, with that he went into a rage. I did say no to him in regards to playing his video games, since he did not do homework. I explained to him that he can play the same amount of time that he does his homework. Again, he went into a rage, slamming stuff, punching the wall, and cursing at me. He has so much anger… am I doing the right thing?

Son threatens to be truant...

2010-02-25T10:25:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I need help with the following issue:

My son requests to be awakened early for school, and every morning my wife and I will go to wake him, he becomes upset. When he finally gets up he wants to argue on why we did not get him up on time and threatens us with not wanting to go to school. It happened this morning and we just were yelling and arguing (i now know was wrong). It ended with me just saying get ready for school and I walked away. Shortly I went to check on him and he was getting ready and he became very angry and defensive that I went to check on him. Any advice on how I could have handled differently. This is a daily morning ritual with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comment

Getting children up and ready for the day...whether it is for school, daycare, or even a sport or enrichment activity is a sure-fire stress builder and typical cause of morning madness. What can moms and dads do to start each day in a positive fashion? Here are seven ideas.

Clothing, down to clean socks, underwear and shoes, and even matching hair accessories should be laid out each night before bed. Children can play a role in choosing the outfit, but no changes are allowed once their head hits the pillow. And, then stick with it! The only exceptions should be an unknown tear or stain, or surprise change in the weather. This avoids missing socks, unmatched shirt and shoes, and keeps getting dressed a simple step in beginning the day vs. a looming battle.

Designate an area for all essentials that can eliminate the crazed morning syndrome when you're trying to leave. Shoes, backpacks, car keys, cell phones, purses, etc., should be placed in this area every day, always, so they are always in place and ready for action. Keep a cell phone charger in this area so your phone is charged for the day. Not having to hunt down keys or other last-minute essentials is a time and blood pressure saver, for sure!

If you've got more than one kid in the house, and especially if you have a large family, consider staggering wake up times for greater efficiency. Start with children who need assistance first, or the ones who are real sleepyheads who move at a snail's pace come mornings.

It's just not enough to get dressed and eat. How many times have children missed the bus because they couldn't find their homework sheet or didn't have their backpack put together? If you drive your children, then put their organized backpacks in the car the night before. Lunches should also be prepared just before bed and easily grabbed from the fridge ready-to-go. Jackets should be in a central location. The "snatch and go" theory really does work in the mornings.

One mom swears by weekly breakfast menus; other adheres to cereal and fruit. Yet another has her children eat the $1 breakfast at school each morning. Some day care centers offer breakfast for children; others allow moms and dads to bring in a morning meal. Breakfast is important--some experts argue that it is the most important meal of the day, so your children need a nutritious start each a.m. However, that start shouldn't put moms and dads in a work bind or make children late for school.

One way to make it easier for children to get up in the mornings is to create occasional "children get up...NOT" day on occasion as a reward. If it's a school holiday, lazy weekend opportunity, or just about any reason at all, moms and dads can make a special celebration out of the exception. The "not" day also serves to reinforce the lesson that normal mornings have a schedule and expectation; and that occasionally everyone gets a break from the routine.

Moms and dads really can help to determine whether their children become morning risers or morning whiners. If moms and dads moan and groan, are always frantic, grumpy and running late themselves, then how can they really expect anything more of their own children? Good advice is to get up earlier yourself, start that coffee or do 10 minutes of exercise, and then show that Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) and really mean it when you greet your children with "Good Morning!"

Moms and dads unwittingly cause morning madness by not instilling that the routine is a family requirement and not an option. A non-negotiable routine must be established, and consequence discussed and determined (i.e. “If you don't get up on first call, your bedtime is 15 minutes earlier tonight”). It's the "wiggle room" that causes melt-downs and tantrums on the very morning moms and dads have a "must make" meeting.

Some moms and dads unwittingly set their children to fail with their morning routines by tackling on unexpected chores and duties, which causes whines and a mad rush to end up on time. Consider creating a checklist of what absolutely must be done each morning, and then forget the rest. If you want your child to make his bed every morning, then make that a requirement. However, cleaning the cat box can surely wait until a child gets home.

Why does a parent have to wake children up anyway? Except for very young kids, children can learn to awaken by an alarm clock and get themselves up without mom or dad hovering and yelling, "Are you up yet?" Let them decide what is the best time for the alarm to go off and get ready on time. If this means Erica doesn't get her hair braided or Sam doesn't get second helpings on cereal, encourage them to set their alarm 15 minutes earlier tomorrow. Cause and effect...it's a good lesson to learn!

We just want our daughter back...

2010-02-16T12:59:00.000-08:00

Hi,

I would like to ask a question about my teen. We were having some major issues that I talked to you about before. She was staying out for days at a time, skipping school, anger and defiance,etc. We finally felt we needed to get her an intervention and get her away from the situations here. We took her to a behavior treatment program where she could also take school work. She did great at the program and they said she was one of their leaders. We went for her mid-term and she was really good. She wanted to come home but knew she had to complete the program. She completed it and we picked her up and within hours, she was having her anger issues all over again. We hoped it was just anxiety. When we got home, she went out without permission two different times and as not pleasant to us as all. We didn't want to go down that road again as it was all very painful. We told her she had to have respect for us and our rules or she had to find a new place to live. She chose the latter and is living with her boyfriend at his aunt's place. They are both 16. She will not see any of the family which is exactly what she did before when she was seeing this same boy. They become so enclosed within themselves that can't seem to find a balance with friends and family, etc. We want her back home so bad but just don't know what to do from this point on. She doesn't want to come home as the aunt continues to let her live there. We just feel so saddened by everything and in hindsight, should not have given her a choice of leaving or staying as we should have known what she would do. We were told by the program where she was at that we could not allow her to come home and run the show again. We had to lay down the rules immediately. She didn't like the ruls and would just laugh at us when we even mentioned them. We had tried some of your program before but it wasn't of much use when she wasn't even home at all. We'd see her maybe 2 hours per week and not even to talk to her as she wouldn't speak with us. At this program she was at, she couldn't uncover where her anger is coming from. She is adopted so we wondered if that played into it at all.

We desperately need help in this situation! Any suggestions? We just want our daughter back.

Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comments

I don't see much that you can do. You could text her and ask that she keep informing you that she's ok...the less you try to demand things or control the situation, the sooner you'll get her back. Promising (via text message), that she will not be punished when she comes back might help, but I would suggest that you not do that unless you mean it.

I agree with the above post. You can't make her come home. I also left home at 16, although I'm sure the circumstances are different. All you can do is let her know that you love her and want her to be safe, whether you leave a voice-mail or text her. Just in case she ignores you attempts at contacting her, though, I suggest calling her friends and/or their parents to relay the message to her. Even if she won't tell you where she is, ask her to at least let you know that she's safe, that she has a roof over her head and food to eat. If you don't hear from her, call the police back and tell them that you've lost contact. I know it ***** that the cops don't want to/can't do much. Did you two have a fight before she "took off"? Is there any indication as to why she left home? Feel free to PM me is you want to discuss that in private.

The biggest problem I think everyone is missing here is this... you as her mother are 100% responsible for EVERYTHING she does, it’s easy for the police to tell you there is nothing they can do as she is technically not missing, but you can guarantee they will be banging down your door if she breaks the law.. ughh .. anyway there is not much you can do at this point, hope to god I am never in this situation.

I know what you are feeling my 15 yr old son has done this repeatedly to me you worry and can't sleep...this will not be the last time. I found useful to try to be calm ( which is extremely difficult when you are so worried) but I throw back my at my son how he has made me feel such as you have hurt my feelings, you have disappointed me that you don't think of how I feel when I don't know where you are, how would you feel if you couldn't find me??? This is the only thing that works with my son.

What point is it that you feel she doesn’t understand? The fact is, that you may well -have- lost control of her. If she considers whatever she experienced while she was away to be proof that she can survive without you, then she won't see any reason to defer to you anymore. At her age it's normal to need to try and prove, both to herself and everyone around her, that she is independent, and doesn't need you. This is part of a differentiation process that begins around puberty, peaks around 15, and continues, albeit with progressively less contention, until she either moves out or starts feeling like an adult member of the household.

I have a 16 yr old daughter that has decided to not come home for the past 3 days. She has been going out with a guy that we thought was good for her who is almost 18. They have been together just over 2 months and claim total and undying love. Problem is she has been cutting classes, not going to school at all claiming a mental breakdown. She has a mental health counselor that I haven't seen much help from at all. She is fine around lots of other people. Goes to classes when she feels like and basically has blown off her first semester of grade 11. She used to be an honor roll, principals list student until grade 10 that is when things started to go wrong. She has already gone through the drug counseling issues. I am praying to the Lord for help, but wonder should we tell her to come and get her belongings, and kick her out or should we wait for her to possible come home. She texted me saying she wasn't sure when she was coming home, but her phone is dead now. There is a phone where she is staying. HELP. DO I JUST WAIT???

I have an out of control stepson aged 16 who goes out every night and sometimes doesn't come back for days and treats the house like a hotel never doing anything at all. When I confronted him recently and insisted he stayed in he beat me up. He doesn't go to school and just lies about all day watching TV or playing games with me. I have now reached the conclusion that it is better to let him work his way through this stage of development and he hope he becomes more mature.

When I ask my 16-year old son why he doesn't want to be home, he says it's because he's a teenager. He at least now has a job, since he drives and is costing us money in car insurance and gas (he'll now be paying some of.) He failed a class for the first semester, and that's bad. He used to be a straight A student until middle school, but at least B's and C's. Now all C's and failed the Spanish first semester. I do think he's doing some kind of drug, even though is says he quit. It has been very hard.

I think back to when I was 16. The only thing that I would listen to is myself. I knew it all and nothing anyone else would tell me was going to make any difference at all. My 16 year old decided she was going to start making the rules, therefore it's time for her to have her own place where she can apply these rules. These rules will not take place in my house, and I wish her nothing but the best. I will always be here for her, but I refuse to be lied to, walked on, and made out to be the bad guy. I hope she has a warm coat because it's cold outside.

I also have a 16 year old daughter, and she has disrespected me for the last time. On Tuesday she got caught in my house having sex with her so called boyfriend, of two months. Knowing my number one rule is no one in the house when I’m not there. When I confronted her she had no remorse and said that she did nothing wrong this is her house. I said no honey this was your home, not your house. I did kick her out. made sure she has roof and food on the table. Some of friends do not agree with my decision. But I believe that just because we are the grown ups/adults why should we take the disrespect from them? Yes they are only 16, but if you are old enough to do drugs have sex, then you should be old enough to realize that having sex in your mother’s house is a BIG NO-NO...

My Out-of-Control Teen

She told us she was not going to college...

2010-02-16T05:58:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My wife and I started this program with our daughter several weeks ago. Last week she told us she was not going to college next year and was going to travel with two guys and couch surf around various parts of the country.

We told her we didn't support it and that she had the following choices:
1. Join a program like AmeriCorps for th year.
2. Work PT and go to college PT locally.
3. Go to school FT.

She refused all three and said she was going to do what she wanted. We told her that if this was course she insisted on following, then when she turned 18 in two weeks, she needed to find another place to live. We took back her keys to a third car we let her us, took back her laptop we gave her for college, took back her cell phone that we pay for. She then said I'm leaving now and left the house and is staying with a friend of hers. She gets good grades, doesn't drink or do drugs, but in the past year has become so defiant, radical (we think she's been brainwashed by this guy friend she wants to travel with) and disrespectful that we are at our wits end. We love her dearly and only want to get a good start with her life, but she seems determined that she wants it to be difficult and dangerous.

Please help with any advice.

L & D.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comments

Back in the old days, a kid could get by with a high school education; even dropouts fared well, usually following some sort of trade path or apprenticeship. Then, too, in those days, a handshake was as good as a signature on most contracts, such as home buying, and credit was extended based on personal references versus an arbitrary decision made by faceless credit bureaus.

Today, things have certainly changed. Many kids still drop out of high school; some obtain merely a GED and even those with diplomas have difficulty finding a job, let alone a career. The airwaves are filled with ads for second-class trade schools, promising certification in a number of fields in a matter of months. Part of the issue, too, is the sense of entitlement and instant gratification that permeates our culture.

The problem with many of these types of schools is the lack of support after graduation and the realities of the fine print, which most students don't bother to read - they see only that, in a few short months, they can be "certified" to do a job. It doesn't occur to them that many, many others are qualified and that some, even, have a much fuller, more well-rounded college education. This is their competition.

Adolescents being what they are, they don't listen overly well to older, wiser voices. They think they know what is best, and college may not be it. How does a parent cope with refusal to attend college? Well, there are several components to this question.

To begin, speak of college occasionally throughout your youngster's life - make it a given, understood that college follows high school, and treat it as a fact. Your youngster will attend college, period. This is a good strategy, especially if the comments increase as the youngster ages and are accompanied with offhand remarks about location, news, degree programs, interests, and so forth.

If you haven't done this, and even if you have and it doesn't seem to be working, all is not lost. Just remember that, even if your teen has college-age friends, they may still be pretty clueless about the ins and outs of college life and the opportunities available. Take some time to talk to them about their interests, and time to impart some basic information on these things, such as living in the dorms, class schedule and credits, extra-curriculars and of course, financial aid.

Suppose either or both strategies are successful; your youngster enrolls in college and starts classes. You may very likely never know how your youngster is doing, or whether or not he's even consistently attending class. US privacy laws today are so stringent that, most freshmen being eighteen years old and considered "adults", even a parent is unable to be informed about their academic progress or lack thereof - in spite of the moms and dads usually footing the tuition bill and providing other things like housing, food, and so forth.

If your youngster doesn't keep you up-to-date, enjoy your state of blissful ignorance as long as possible. At the end of the semester, you'll find out and you'll likely be disappointed or even angry that your youngster has "failed". Please keep in mind that it is your youngster who has failed, not you personally and not you as a parent.

Remember when your toddler first began to walk? You spread the news, basking in the knowledge that you, as a parent, must be doing it right! Then came temper tantrums, in public places, and you were mortified that everyone must think you were a horrible parent. Ah, the light begins to dawn - we are quick to take credit, slow to take blame. However, remember always this one important point: your youngster is an individual, not an extension of you. You can do everything "right" and still not have things turn out the way you want or expect.

Try to find out why your youngster failed: lack of preparation, academically or emotionally? Laziness? Inability to do the work? Depression or some other mental or emotional issue? Perhaps, just maybe, your youngster is not college material - he might not, really, be smart enough, or dedicated enough, or interested enough.

Again, this is no reflection on you, it's all on your youngster, the individual who must do the work - or not.

At this point, you have several choices. You could toss him out on his behind to make his own way in the world; you could insist he return to college; or you could sit down and work with him to help him determine the best choice for his future.

Many moms and dads are so disappointed and upset that they choose the first one. This may not be all bad, because some kids just can't be reasoned with or instructed at all - they need a taste of reality. Some moms and dads insist on enrolling their youngster in the next semester, willing to do anything to get them to attend college. Most are likely crushed at the resultant failure of yet another 4-5 classes.

The third choice is the best.

Swallow your disappointment, keep your anger in check at least around the youngster in question, and formulate a plan. It's probably best to do this with your partner, make sure you are both on the same page, do some research, and take notes. Present a plan, or several possibilities, to your teen and have an honest, open discussion.

Keep in mind how involved you wish to be in this decision. You may provide a financial start, room and board, help find information, or all of these things. Or maybe none of them. You may give your teen a time limit to decide where to begin, or you may leave it open-ended. The danger in this latter is that, unmotivated, your teen may end up being a fixture in your basement for several years. Some moms and dads are okay with this, most are not. The end-goal of raising a youngster is just that - raising - and once that's accomplished, the youngster becomes an adult and should be responsible for himself, completely.

Your job is to give him the skills and knowledge to do this, and by the time college rolls around, whether he attends or not, he should be in possession of these. If he isn't, if college isn't working out for him, help him with planning and fill in any gaps that you may have missed over the years - or that he may have ignored - and prepare to boost (not boot!) him out of the nest.

College isn't for everyone, or even for immediately after high school. Take a deep breath, realize your youngster is an individual, and help him prepare to take the plunge - regardless of his choices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We all want what we feel is best for our children. However, sometimes our children disagree. Going to college or on to any further or higher education comes at a point in many adolescent's lives when they are already feeling overwhelmed by advice and assumptions. A refusal to go to college can be cause by several things, but in many cases is it an assertion of your adolescent's individuality.

It is easy as a parent to get carried away with what you think your adolescent wants or should do, based on your own aspirations and not theirs. If you never had the opportunity to further your own education, it is natural to want your offspring to achieve more academically than you were able. If you have been paying into a college fund or savings account since your child was small, and your child knows this, it may feel like a bitter blow when they announce they do not want to go to college. It feels like all the financial sacrifices you have made are being thrown back in your face. There are other ways of seeing their decision than simply a willful refusal.

The first thing to ask when your adolescent refuses to go to college is, why? Try to sit down with them and have a reasoned discussion, not to convince them that they are wrong, but to simply find out what their reasons are. It may be that they have certain fears about moving to a new city far from home, or a fear of not living up to your or their own expectations. It could also be that they do not really know what subjects they want to take, or that they are feeling study fatigue after spending a good portion of their lives already in formal education. Whatever reasons they give, as a parent you need to listen to them without trying to change their minds at that point. Make sure they know that you are taking on board everything they have said, and that after giving it all some thought, you will want to discuss what options they have at a later (but not too much later) date.

The very worst thing you can do is to tell your adolescent that they are going to college no matter what they say or do. This will cause your adolescent to put up all their defenses and even if they do end up going to college they will resent being there and are unlikely to perform to the best of their ability. Blackmail is also not a good approach to take. By telling your adolescent that they owe it to you to go because you have saved for years on their behalf for the fees will just add to the pressure that they already feel under.

Approaching the situation with a calm and rational outlook is not easy, but will pay dividends in the long run. After considering what your adolescent has told you in your initial discussion, try to find some answers to their fears. If it is the distance away from home that is bothering them, are there any similar courses they can take that are closer to home or that will not mean them having to move out? If they are worried about making new friends, you could suggest that they investigate social media networks to chat to others in a similar situation and perhaps make friends before they arrive on campus. You could also suggest a mini vacation as a family to one or other of their original preferred destinations, to explore the area and get a feel for the local culture.

Another approach is to ask your adolescent what they propose to do instead of college. This puts the ball back in their court, gives them a feeling of control and may even surprise you with their answer. It may be that they want to get a job: in uncertain economic times, this may be a noble yet unattainable goal. Compromise by suggesting they put in their college application for the following year, and spend the interval looking for work. If they land a good job then they can always withdraw their application, and if they are unable to find work then they have their college place to fall back on.

Taking a "gap year" as it is known in Europe is a very popular way for those leaving school to break up their studies. It gives them the opportunity to gain some paid work experience, or to just volunteer, before focusing on their studies once again. Many adolescents spend part or all of the year travelling and broadening their horizons that way. Whatever they choose to do, it will give them an edge when it comes to applying for jobs or postgraduate study in the future.

If your adolescent's fears centre on not being good enough to succeed at an academic course, perhaps they would be better suited to a more vocational course of study. It may be possible to secure them an apprenticeship position, whereby they study for just one or two days or evenings each week, while working in a practical trade during the day. This often suits adolescents who have shown as aptitude for mechanics, cookery, childcare or animal husbandry. Investigating the part-time and evening study options available in your local area may help them decide if this is the right path for them to take.

Whatever reason your adolescent gives for not wanting to go to college, it is not the end of the world. Many thousands of people return to study later on in life with good results, even though they did not want to continue their education at the end of their schooling. Making sure that your adolescent is happy and focused is more important to their success as adults than pushing them into a college experience that they do not feel ready for or engaged in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm sick of school! I'm not going to college and you can't force me to!"

Your adolescent is right, you know. At the age of eighteen he or she is legally an adult...old enough to sign a legal document, old enough to join the military and old enough to refuse to go to college.

He now has the right of self-determination, and no matter how you feel about the decision your young adult has made, it may seem that there is not much you can do about it.

You, as a parent, are probably feeling anger, disappointment, and frustration. This young person may have always earned good grades. You have envisioned a bright future for him. Now your teen seems determined to throw it all away.

He is rebellious, defiant and unflinching. There will be no college in his immediate future and that is that!

The atmosphere after discussions of this type is usually tense and heated. Follow-up negotiations are best left until a later time when tempers have cooled.

While you're preparing for Round Two, review your position. You also have the right of self -determination and you are in a much more favorable position. You have age, experience and resources on your side. In contrast, the teen has only youth, inexperience, lack of training or skills for making a living, and few resources at his disposal.

Your best option is to accept his decision graciously, while making clear that you do not think it is the wisest choice. Then you will present these conditions:

• He must do his own washing. Mom no longer provides laundry service.
• If the young person wishes to be treated as an adult, so be it. However, sitting around home watching TV is not an option for a responsible adult. If he wishes to live at home, he or she must get a job and start paying board. Check the local paper for fair rates for room and board in your area.
• Meals are served at specific times in your home. Anyone missing one mealtime must wait for the next one.
• No in-room guests are allowed after 11:00 P.M.
• No more use of the family car. There will no longer be chauffeur service by a parent. When the teen needs transportation, a taxi or public transport must be utilized while he saves up for a car of his own.
• You may share that you have money saved for college, and it will be used only for that purpose. If this youngster does not wish to take advantage of it, it will be put away for the use of the first grandchild, (or niece or nephew) who attends an institute of higher learning.

After that, all you have to is stick to your resolve. Chances are, your young rebel will be in college within a year. Contemporary life is not easy for an unskilled worker with only a high school diploma.

It will not be easy watching your teen struggle to survive under the strict conditions you have imposed. Many parents find applying tough love principles are just as challenging for them as for the adolescent.

It is important that you have remain resolute and unyielding. Just remind yourself that your youngster's future well-being depends on your steadfastness now.

Someday, when he is settled, with steady, profitable employment, and enjoying a comfortable lifestyle, he will reward you with sincere and heartfelt thanks.

However, your ultimate reward will come when you watch him using the same tactics on his own adolescent.

I finally have had PEACE in my life...

2010-02-05T17:13:00.001-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I have been using your program for about a month now, I am on chapter 3, and I have to tell you----THANK YOU!!!!! I finally have had PEACE in my life. My children are doing their chores. I have not argued with my teenager (15) during all this time. Life is good again, and I feel confident and supported. My husband and I were making mistakes without even knowing. I'll keep you posted. So far ai good!!!

My son has dropped out of school...

2010-02-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My son has dropped out of school and does not want to go to Tafe or get a job, he is so busy socialising, he gets home most nights at 5am. He is sleeping most of the day and goes out all night, he is not interested in spending any time with us,he is mixing with kids I do not approve of, and basically is doing as he pleases, if I start enforcing discipline he disappears for day's and I don't know where he is, It's really worrying me as to their activities all night. I feel helpless.

COMMENT:

Any parent who has had a similar experience will remember their initial disbelief, anger and helplessness. Most will also recall shame and self blame and how difficult it was to tell anyone that their teen was a dropout.

I know. One of my kids made the decision to quit school three weeks before graduation. A classic bright underachiever, he had delayed doing necessary course assignments until it was too late to turn them in. His adolescent solution was to simply leave the system.

I don't know if he thought school officials would extend the deadline if he threatened to quit or whether he just wanted to avoid the embarrassment of not attending graduation. Or if he truly believed that school was "irrelevant to his life" as he had been saying for a long while.

What I do know is that my reaction to his demand for my signature on the withdrawal forms was intense.

At first, I simply didn't want to sign. I thought if I just said no to his request he would change his mind, attend summer school, and graduate in August. He made it clear he was leaving school whether the papers were signed or not.

Then I lectured him about the statistical fact that most kids who drop out do not continue their education. That they had significantly lower lifetime earnings -nearly 50 percent less than their non dropout peers. He said he knew and that would not be his future.

Next, I got angry and accused him of not following through on commitments, being lazy, and other negatives that I am not proud of. He listened quietly and asked me again to sign the forms.

At that point, I realized his decision was not about me and that he was entitled to learn his life lessons just as I had learned mine. I signed on the dotted line even though I felt awful. He thanked me and left to file the papers.

Two weeks later, he took the General Education Development (GED) test, passed it with flying colors, and received a state diploma at the same time as his friends. He has since gone on to obtain a wonderful managerial job and gift me with two delightful grandkids.

He is bright and witty, an excellent employee, a loyal husband and father, and a child that I am very proud of. He just did not fit into the standard academic lockstep. His learning style is creative and visual and he needs autonomy.

Actually, he is a lot like his father and mother.

The following are some insights that I wish others had shared with me during this difficult time. If you are dealing with a dropout situation, I hope that they are helpful.

Many moms and dads feel ashamed and isolated when their youngster drops out of school. It would be good for these adults to know that they are not alone.

National statistics indicate that over the last decade between 347,000 and 544,000 students in grades 10 through 12 left school each year without successfully completing a high school program.

In simpler terms, five of every 100 teens enrolled in high school in October 1999 left school before graduation. That is one out of every 20 students.

This makes for a lot of moms and dads from different racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic backgrounds wondering why their youngster can't just stay in school and graduate like all the other kids they know.

I know it would have been helpful to me to be part of a support group for moms and dads of dropouts or moms and dads of adolescents who want to drop out. Perhaps it is time that such groups were started in schools and communities.

Although many adolescents drop out of high school, most do not drop out of life.

Whether they enroll in a GED program, go directly to college without a diploma, start their own business, or become productive artists, many are quite successful in careers that do not depend upon a traditional academic path.

Still others will later resume a traditional academic path and become doctors, lawyers, and teachers just as we had wished for them during their rebel years.

Just because your teen has taken an adult like step to drop out of school, it does not mean that he has the maturity to plan a happy and productive life. It does not mean that she does not still need parental guidance, consistent rules, and unconditional love and support.

To the contrary, left without the structure of a six hour school day, your youngster may need personal and professional help with time management, goal setting, and creating a positive identity. Just as you may need help releasing any disappointment and anger that you feel over the loss of traditional graduation ceremonies.

Counseling gave me a chance to look closely at my own expectations with regard to high school and how they differed from my child's.

I wanted him to graduate with high honors, get a full scholarship to a prestigious college, and become a successful artist. Those were three things that I had never done because I was a bright underachiever.

My child's often articulated expectation for high school was that it would help him "invent" or find his unique self. He knew that process wasn't happening in a classroom setting. Even the alternative school program he attended was designed to help kids stay in school.

Intuitively, he knew his identity had to first be defined by what he was not. And the passage of the years has proved him right.

Sometimes a dropout is also testing the relationship waters. The question of "will you still love me if I quit school" may be unconsciously directed at moms and dads, friends, and dating partners. It reflects a deeper question of "do you love me for what I do or for who I am?"

We as moms and dads get the unique opportunity to love our kids unconditionally during the dropout process and after. And we get to watch as they find their own solutions in life.

One of the lessons I learned from my child's dropout experience is how to be a detached cheerleader. I root for him finding and growing into his identity. If he asks for help, I respond. If not, I simply cheer in prayer and meditation.

There are many lessons learned in the high school years. My child, in dropping out of the system, taught me some very valuable ones.

I have called the police three times now...

2010-01-26T12:04:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Last night my daughter who is 13 got angry because she couldn't get on the computer. I had taken away her privilege for being disrespectful. She continued to raise her voice. I detached and went about my business. She began throwing things and eventually was so out of control she smashed the front door window as I was leaving the house to go food shopping. This is her pattern. I have called the police three times now; she has gone to court and has to do community service but she seems unfazed. I feel unsafe, angry and hurt.

"He has poisoned our family..."

2010-01-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I have 2, 15 year old sons. My oldest son (by 20 mins) is great. He is kind and gentle and sweet. My other son is trying to stand out by being different. We have always supported the idea that the boys are special because of who they are and not because they are twins Unforunately my younger son has taken it to the point that I feel guilty being a good parent to my other son and his sister. He has poisoned our family. I have a "normal" healthy relationship with my two children and Z (younger son) can't handle it. I am trying to deal with my sons differently but Z will interfer to the point it ruins things and makes my older son uncomfortable. I have been to counselling and can difuse things usually, but I am tired of having my every waking thought being about how I will deal with my two good children around my disruptive son. Z has an issue with authority with me and is arrogant and rude. he has threatened my two other children and my daughter will lock herself in the bathroom for fear of her brother if my husband and I are not home. any thoughts would be appreciated.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Comment

While many children are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it's common for brothers and sisters to fight. (It's also common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one other!)

Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second youngster is born, and continues as the children grow and compete for everything from toys to attention. As children reach different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another.

It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch — and hear — your children fight with one another. A household that's full of conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet often it's hard to know how to stop the fighting, and or even whether you should get involved at all. But you can take steps to promote peace in your household and help your children get along.

Many different things can cause siblings to fight. Most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors also might influence how often children fight and how severe the fighting gets. These include:

• Special needs/sick children. Sometimes, a youngster's special needs due to illness or learning/emotional issues may require more parental time. Other children may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention or out of fear of what's happening to the other youngster.

• Role models. The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for children. So if you and your spouse work through conflicts in a way that's respectful, productive, and not aggressive, you increase the chances that your children will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another. If your children see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.

• Individual temperaments. Your children' individual temperaments — including mood, disposition, and adaptability — and their unique personalities play a large role in how well they get along. For example, if one youngster is laid back and another is easily rattled, they may often get into it. Similarly, a youngster who is especially clingy and drawn to parents for comfort and love might be resented by siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.

• Evolving needs. It's natural for children' changing needs, anxieties, and identities to affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings, and are learning to assert their will, which they'll do at every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the toddler's toy, the older youngster may react aggressively. School-age children often have a strong concept of fairness and equality, so might not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or feel like one youngster gets preferential treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence, and might resent helping with household responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time together. All of these differences can influence the way children fight with one another.

While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight, it's certainly not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict. So what should you do when the fighting starts?

Whenever possible, don't get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The children may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one youngster that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued children may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.

If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" children through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the children.

Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with your children, not for them.

When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:

• Don't put too much focus on figuring out which youngster is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.
• Separate children until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.
• Try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each youngster gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.

Remember, as children cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life — like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.

Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:

• Be proactive in giving your children one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another youngster likes to sit and read, make time for that too.
• Don't let children make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.
• Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your children to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many children fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.
• If fights between your school-age children are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the children earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.
• If your children frequently squabble over the same things (such as video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing which youngster "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.)
• Let them know that they are safe, important, and loved, and that their needs will be met.
• Make sure children have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.
• Recognize when children just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one youngster is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.
• Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the children that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches children that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."
• Show and tell your children that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.

Keep in mind that sometimes children fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.

In a small percentage of families, the conflict between brothers and sisters is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or particularly affects children emotionally or psychologically. In those cases, it's wise to get help from a mental health professional. Seek help for sibling conflict if it:

• creates a real danger of physical harm to any family member
• is damaging to the self-esteem or psychological well-being of any family member
• is so severe that it's leading to marital problems
• may be related to other significant concerns, such as depression

If you have questions about your children' fighting, talk with your doctor, who can help you determine whether your family might benefit from professional help and refer you to local mental health resources.

"I will call him 'troubled'..."

2010-01-17T11:12:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I have started the on-line reading and am relieved to know that I am not alone. I have 2, 15 year sons and a daughter. my older son (by 20 mins) is good,kind and sweet, my younger son is trying to distinguish himself by being the exact opposite. I will call him troubled. Troubled is rude, arrogant, disruptive and has had me in tears more times than I can count. Troubled has to be the centre of attention. Troubled has got me so troubled that I don't know how to be with my 2 good kids without troubled being in my thoughts constantly. I think I now know that is the point. He has stolen from us, lied and threatened his sibs, so that my daughter hides in the bathroom from fear, if we are not home. I am tired of dreading coming home. I want to continue my relationship with my 2 good kids and bring troubled back into the family where he once was.

We fight constantly...

2010-01-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I just got started and bought the program today. Wish me luck! My daughter is doing very well in school and socially. However, we fight constantly, and she acts cold and angry with me constantly. I was in tear yesterday.

If they leave the house how do you punish child?

2010-01-08T06:55:00.001-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: When you have grounded your teenager and they attempt to leave the house, do you physically keep them in the house or let them leave without any intervention? If they leave the house how do you punish child?

He is on computer online game all day...

2009-12-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My son is 15 in 10th grade. He is on computer online game all day whenever he is home. If I try to take the computer/modem etc away from him, he would take my laptop and wallet and purse away. I need the laptop for my work. I need the wallet since my drive license is in it. If I cancel the internet service, he then refuses to turn in home work and school project. Anyway, with internet, he is still not turning home work so much. His grad is very low. It is getting worse and worse. Now he start playing over night and no able to go to school in the morning. Please help!

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

COMMENT:

Video game addiction is often referred to as video game overuse, a compulsive or excessive use of computer games and/or video games. Video game addicts are believed to exhibit the same psychological addictive behaviors as gambling addiction, often described as an impulse control disorder.

The 2007 study by the American Medical Association reviewing video game addiction concluded that “more research and studies are needed to provide conclusive evidence that video game addiction is a disorder.” Increased pressure is being placed upon the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to include “Internet/video game addiction” in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the standard diagnostic text used by psychiatrists worldwide.

Research by Stanford University School of Medicine in 2008 shows video games do have addictive characteristics, and a Harris Interactive Poll released in April 2007 showed that 8.5% of youth gamers in the United States could be “classified as pathologically or clinically addicted to playing video games.”

Research into computer game addiction or video game addiction statistics shows that men and boys are more likely to become addicted to video games (if they aren’t already), versus the percentage of girls and women becoming addicted to video games, but the numbers of female video game addicts are rising. If you don’t know or don’t understand video game ratings, how games are rated and the effect the ratings should have on your video game playing habits or purchases, it’s time to become fully aware.

Here are some symptoms or signs of video game addiction as well as computer game addiction to help determine if your children are addicted to video games:

For Children:

1. Most of their “free time”, non-school hours are spent on the computer or playing video games.
2. Fatigue; tendency to fall asleep in school.
3. Not keeping up with homework assignments/not turning in homework on time.
4. Worsening grades.
5. Lying about computer or video game use so computer or video game privileges aren’t taken away.
6. Choosing the computer or playing video games rather than spending time with friends or family.
7. Dropping out of activities such as social groups, clubs or sports.
8. Irritable, cranky or agitated (withdrawal symptoms) when not playing a video game or on the computer.

If you are truly convinced that your teenagers or young children are addicted to video games or computer games, it’s your job as the parent to get your kids off the computer and off the video game console, providing them ample opportunity for active play and natural exercise in and outside of the home.

Make no mistake, video game addiction is a real addiction and if you are a parent that is concerned about your home-grown video game addict, it’s up to you to parent your children and closely monitor and limit their gaming activities. Massively multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPG’s) are designed to be addictive.

Video game makers and marketers are counting on people to become addicted to the games! Cha-Ching! It’s a lot of money in their pockets, and a lot of money out of your pockets. Let your children whine, cry and complain all they want about placing restrictions and limits on their game use, but be the parent.

One of the effects of children addicted to video games is the increase in childhood obesity amongst young children and teens due to excessive amounts of time spent leading a more sedentary lifestyle (and poor eating habits), amongst other physical, emotional and mental problems associated with too much time being spent playing video games.

Be the parent of your children, not their friend. If the video game problem in your home is so bad that you feel your child is a “video game addict”, or if your children spend too much time watching television, shut it down and get your children involved in other activities that encourage and promote active play and that provides more than finger and thumb exercises from video game controls.

Son will not come home or tell us where he is...

2009-12-06T08:36:00.001-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Our son 15 year old son will not come home or tell us where he is. He has been gone for 2 nights and it is 8:00 pm on the 3rd night. He showed up today for about 30 minutes and left again. he is mad because we have taken his phone away so I am sure he is trying to pay us back by not communicating. I have heard of his whereabouts so I know he is OK. I am thinking of calling the police. What should I do?

I guess I fell off the wagon...

2009-11-15T12:56:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

I need help with the following issue: I started this program a couple months back and like stated it started to get worse before it got better and I guess I fell off the wagon. I was struggling as how to draw the line between discipline for things at home while we were having just as much trouble at school. Just as an example: since we were too into video games during the week to be worried about homework. Video games are now gone Monday - Friday, BUT that was also one of the privileges I was using as leverage. So should I do that because it's not just 1 day it's 5 automatic which was said not to do. There are so many issues at home and at school that I'm not sure how to integrate them together. Also, I have 2 other boys and with everything going on, sometimes I give a punishment or take away a privilege and then a few hours later with so much else going on can't even remember why I specifically gave it to him. Is this unusual? I think I just might be losing my mind!!!!!

My 17 year old daughter is having sex, getting high, skipping school and staying out up to 2 nights without permission...

2009-11-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

My 17 year old daughter is having sex, getting high, skipping school and staying out up to 2 nights without permission. Has anyone had a similar experience with positive results using this or another technique... please let me know... any programs you can recommend?

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Best Comment:

Adolescence is a time of tremendous change. Too often, adults and teens think the primary task of adolescence is separation. Many consider adolescent rebellion to be a necessary part of the separation process. Indeed, there is a need for teens to begin loosening the connections between themselves and their parents. But this separation is not the most important change required. Adolescence is also a time for forming new connections-to one's peers, to the world outside family, to one's sexuality, to the deeper experience of self coming into awareness, and to one's innate spiritual longings. Separation from family is necessary primarily to open up space for all the new connections teens must forge. Curiosity fuels the drive to find new relationships and to experience the world beyond the confines of home.

Adolescence is life's first really conscious voyage of discovery. Teens are aware that they are on a profoundly important voyage, and this conscious awareness helps in guiding the voyage. Some are terrified and try to remain moored to their home dock as long as possible. Others are cautious and take several short cruises first before striking out for more distant ports. Some respond to the challenge and sail out directly to find their fate, while others are so thrilled by the adventure lying just over the horizon that they charge out like dog soldiers high on adrenaline. Human temperament varies widely, making it nearly impossible to make any universal generalization about teenagers.

Still, we can be sure that the majority of teens who experiment with marijuana are motivated primarily by a desire to satisfy their innate curiosity about the world. Whether they first try pot with trepidation or rush headlong into the experience, they are intrigued by what lies ahead for them. It is one of a thousand ways they are trying on new parts of the world to see how each fits for them. While they may be ignoring or denying the risks, the motivation propelling them is essentially healthy.

In many cases, however, adolescents are motivated to try drugs more by a desire to get away from home than to reach any given destination. Poverty, whether emotional, spiritual, or financial, has parched their family and grown sharp thorns on what should be comforting relationships. Cruelty, whether emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual, has scorched away any desire for family, leaving some kids to stow away on whatever ship they can find. Family problems often contribute tremendously to the urge to find solace in alcohol and other drugs.

Finally, some adolescents are so discomforted by their own sense of failure and internal distress that the distraction that drugs offer is too powerful to resist. Depression and anxiety can bedevil teenagers just as deeply as they torment adults. The stress that kids bear today is far beyond any that most of us experienced during our youth. Success in college seems to be predicated on getting into the correct kindergarten. No wonder that any hint of a learning disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) plummets kids into feeling defective and doomed (see chapter 5). Whatever offers any hope of relief from these stressors is bound to be welcome.

Adolescence, then, is a time of fundamental transformation in perspective, basic connections, and identity. Because this process of transformation takes place over several years, impatience and urgency are common, if not legendary, among teenagers. The experience of being “all dressed up with no place to go” pervades the adolescent's life, especially sexually. Having a driver's license but not owning a car symbolically defines the teen years. On a more abstract level, teens often have a fully formed concept of independence and freedom but still lack some of the basic tools to realize this goal. It is human nature for them to focus more on the barriers placed on their freedom than on the preparatory tasks that lie ahead of them.

It is within this maelstrom of powerful forces that drugs are first encountered, and their effects can be profoundly seductive. The French novelist Marcel Proust wrote, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” I suspect that this advice applies more to wearied adults than to fresh teens, for whom seeking new landscapes is precisely their most important challenge. Their recently developed abstract thinking is all the new eyes they need. Now their job is to seek new landscapes that satisfy their own unique needs and desires and then to connect emotionally to these new vistas.

Marijuana provides much more of the “new eyes” that Proust describes than the “new landscapes” that teens need. Suddenly, with a minimum of effort, a little pot overlays the world with a superficial sense of novelty. Being high seems to transform everything and passively grants teens an experience of great connectedness. This new world is probably nothing like the one Mom and Dad live in, so an immediate sense of separation appears. Almost magically, marijuana seems to leapfrog an adolescent away from childhood. The chemically induced experience substitutes for actual, hard-won psychological development, and it can continue to substitute for emotional growth for years. While giving a teen an illusion of having jumped ahead in development, marijuana, like any drug, can actually delay and distort maturation. The chronic pot smoker may wake one day to find that peers have long ago embarked successfully into their adult lives, leaving him or her behind, without the skills required to move ahead.

Before looking at how the experience of being high on marijuana can substitute for successfully completing developmental tasks, I want to take a moment to point out that as parents we face our own developmental challenges as our children pass through adolescence. After years of taking direct responsibility for managing the risks facing our children, we now need to begin stepping back. If teens are to begin taking greater responsibility for themselves, we have to make space for this to happen. Except in situations that threaten basic health and safety, we gradually have to move into the role of consultants to our kids' lives, where before we had been producer and director. The timing of this shift in roles is critical and difficult. While some of us turn too much freedom and responsibility over to our children too soon, others hold on too long. There is no perfection here, only trial and error.

Shifting into the role of consultant goes beyond a change in child-rearing techniques. It represents a developmental step for the parent as well. Impulses to overcontrol the world that went unchecked during our child's early life suddenly become the focus of intense power struggles with adolescents. To pick battles wisely, we parents need clarity about what lies under our control and what does not. We need to have enough self-worth to feel valuable to our children even when we've been relegated to the sidelines of their lives. It helps to be solid in our faith, whatever form that might take. Without faith that the universe provides the support teens need to mature into healthy adults, the next few years are going to be filled with anxiety. It is a rare parent who understands that anxiety about his or her teen is not the teen's fault. Anxiety about the normal process of separating from our partially-matured teenage child is our responsibility. It is not the child's job to soothe our fears or our dislike of “losing our babies.”

The initial experimentation with smoking grass is often a watershed moment in a child's life. Despite all the antidrug messages received in school and at home, many teens and preteens decide to take the risk of getting high soon after the opportunity first presents itself. This single act is a clear step away from the path prescribed by most parents. In households where the importance of not using drugs has been emphasized, it is a direct act of disobedience. (We're ignoring for the moment kids who are introduced to smoking marijuana by their parents, either directly or by dipping into their parents' stash to get their first joint.) Trying marijuana for the first time is also an act of self-assertion. The child has weighed the issue, more or less carefully, and come to his or her own decision. At this point, teens do not doubt that they are charting their own course. They are claiming their freedom, and no one can control them. That's a fact.

An adolescent's decision to smoke marijuana is often seen very differently by the two sides-parents and kids. The disparity in how each perceives this moment is important, because it forms the framework for a lot of failed prevention programs and a lot of unsuccessful family discussions. Author David Wilmes asked each group why they believe kids use drugs and found some interesting differences (Facts about Kids' Use of Alcohol and Other Drugs). Adults gave the following reasons:

• School: “Can't those teachers see what's going on? Don't the kids get any supervision?”
• Other parents: “Well, what can you expect from a home like that?”
• Peer group: “My kids never had any problems till they got in with that bunch.”
• Pushers or alcohol sales: “Put the pushers in jail and close up those sleazy places.”
• Media: “What can you expect when the movies take it for granted that it's cool to use drugs?”
• Police: “If the cops were on the ball, they'd pick up those kids the first time they got out of line.” Or “If the cops wouldn't hound the kids as if they were all criminals, they wouldn't even think of using drugs.”
• Role models: “Those rock stars are all into drugs-just like professional athletes. And these are the people our kids want to imitate.”

These reasons generally point to external factors. Perhaps parents are reluctant to believe that their children would willfully defy them unless they were being pressured by others. Parents tend to place great emphasis on peer pressure as the cause of adolescent drug use. As a result, programs designed to prevent drug use are heavily weighted toward helping kids resist peer pressure. This perspective is guided by the belief that drug pushers are lurking around every corner, waiting for our kids. Without these pushers, teens would follow their instincts and mind their parents.

But teens tell a different story. When asked why they think kids use drugs, teens gave the following reasons:

• “I wanted to see how I'd feel.”
• “I wanted to be part of the group.”
• “I didn't want to be a nerd.”
• “I just wanted to have some fun.”
• “I like to take risks.”
• “I'm no baby. I can make up my own mind.”
• “I like to experiment with new things.”
• “I wanted to feel grown up.”

Unlike adults' perspectives, these reasons are more internal. While teens may be underestimating the presence and power of peer pressure, they are also owning responsibility for their decisions to a degree greater than adults seem willing to give them credit for. This is completely consistent with the need teenagers have to take control of their lives. They are intrigued by the wide world, including sometimes by what the experience of being high would feel like, and they even enjoy the risk it might entail. No one thinks it odd when a teen courts the risk of rock climbing, sailboarding, or fast driving. These risky behaviors may make us nervous, but we see them as normal adolescent behavior, part of defining for themselves what their limits are. The impulse to experiment with marijuana has the same lure as other risky choices.

Understanding adolescents' perspectives is an important step to being able to communicate with teens. The temptations that attract them and the desires resident in their hearts form part of the cutting edge by which they learn their true identity. Adolescence is an important time for beginning to come to terms with adult desires. From this standpoint, teens are teaching us something important when they list the internal reasons for using drugs. As parents, however, we are often made nervous by the fact that this is occurring precisely when our kids are developing the capacity and freedom to satisfy these desires if they choose. And one simple, available, and relatively passive avenue for exploring their newfound desires is through experimenting with marijuana, alcohol, and other drugs.

He has literally been living out of the jeep for 4 nites...

2009-11-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

17/18 yr old son out of highschool 6 mths with no motivation to do NOTHING other than sleep and play WOW. He says he's applied for many jobs, however he wears sweats covered in doghairs & a black stocking cap when he goes to apply. Who WOULD hire you. He & his dog trashed my downstairs w/o effort to clean it up. I gave him option to clean up living space/get a job/pay some room&board OR move out. He moved out to his non-working jeep which sits in front of my house. He has literally been living out of the jeep for 4 nites, with the big dog too. Has no money for food. I have allowed him to use my car when he's gone to apply for jobs, but am no longer because he can't seriously be looking for work dressed like that. He ran an extension cord from the house to his jeep to run a space heater and his computer!!! I removed the extension cord. I asked him last nite if he'd like to sit down and discuss the situation and my expectations. He said 'not interested'. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KID??? He is *extremely* smart but for some reason thinks not working is better than working and paying taxes. For some reason thinks playing the role of "victim living in a car" is okay. UGH!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP!

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

COMMENTS:

How to Get Your Adult Children to Move Out—

1. Communicate. Let your adult children know that you want and expect them to move out. Explain that this is good for them, good for you, and good for your relationship. Be kind and loving, but be firm.

2. Show a united front. Don't risk having one parent riding the fence and the other being the enforcer. Have a discussion with your spouse before you discuss the topic with your child. Make sure that both of you are on the same page. You can even create a list of mutually agreeable chores, time lines, household rules, expectations, etc.

o Agree that neither of you will amend the rules without discussing it with the other parent. One parent riding the fence to avoid confrontation will only cause resentment between the two of you.

o Agree to communicate with your spouse weekly or more often about issues that arise, progress that is being made, problems that are developing, etc. By staying on top of it you will always know what the other is facing when you aren't around. Make special time to have this talk and perhaps use it as a chance to sneak away for a nice dinner once a week. You deserve it.

o Discuss the plan with any other moms & dads that may not live in the home. If your ex is in the loop they may be able to help. Just by knowing they can stay out of the manipulation or avoid being dragged into the new policies. If they know your plan and your rules they can also help enforce them. By having all of the moms & dads in agreement the kids will feel the pressure.

o If both of you sit down together for a moms & dads' meeting and discuss the new rules you'll have a better chance of the rules being followed and everyone being happy once they're presented to the child.

o If one parent is easily swayed or will cave if confronted by the child you should point out that weakness when you are setting up the rules in your moms & dads' meeting.

o Realize that a step-parent has just as much right to decide what goes on in the home as the biological parent. By marrying into the family you were given a say in how the home is ruled.

3. Make a plan together. Living independently requires an income and a variety of different life skills. Help your kids analyze their situation and plot a realistic course of action.

4. Stay involved. Once you have a plan, meet with your kids weekly (or more often as needed) to communicate, assess the situation, identify short-term tasks, and especially to recognize and celebrate progress! Collaboration and cooperation between moms & dads and their kids can be a beautiful thing, but it takes lots of energy.

5. Consider a no-guests rule. Sharing your house with your adult kids can be challenging enough, without opening your home and your refrigerator to your kids' friends.

o Be firm and address the situation. If necessary, explain it to the friends as a new rule.
o Consider making the bedroom a no guest zone.
o Don't be shy. Address the subject of having girlfriends/boyfriends over. Forbid your home from being used for their sexual convenience. If possible, forbid "dates" from coming over as soon as possible so bad habits don't develop.
o It is perfectly reasonable to tell the kids they cannot entertain friends or other guests in your home, and this gives your kids a powerful incentive to find their own living situation.

6. Implement a list of chores and a curfew. At the very least, your kids should clean up after themselves and be considerate of you and other residents at all times. Don't feel guilty about this or let your kids squirm out of it; they will need domestic skills and basic discipline to make it on their own.

7. Don't provide all the meals. While your adult kids are living with you, make certain they contribute their fair share to buying food, cooking, and cleaning up afterwards.

o Start by asking them to make a quick run to the store for basic items. Make it their job to buy certain grocery items every weekend such as milk, cereal, bread, eggs, etc. They'll learn to budget their money and schedule the time to get it done.

8. Collect rent. The kids may be living with their parent(s), but if they're adults, they should help to support themselves. Be firm about this - it will help build your kids' self-esteem as well as keeping your resentment in check. Start small and increase the monthly amount over time until it approximates the cost of a studio or roommate situation.

9. Live your life. Socialize, redecorate your house, get a dog or cat. Don't let your kids cramp your style - that phase of your life is over!

10. Get some support. Talk with friends who are facing the same dilemma; enlist the help of a counselor, relatives, your church, and others who care about you and your kids to help you keep your resolve and help your kids take the plunge and move out. Make sure you and your spouse are communicating.

11. Report any unkind behavior or rude remarks to your spouse. You should both be aware of how the child is treating the other person. Take aggressive behavior very seriously.

12. Don't make living at home too comfortable or convenient. You are a parent, not a butler or maid. Consider removing televisions, video games, and computers, or at least limiting access to them, especially if these things are distracting the kids from getting jobs, saving money, and completing other parts of the move-out plan.

13. Stay positive. Focus on helping your kids towards independence and on the progress you and your kids have made, not on the negatives.

14. Be firm. If your kids disregard the rules of the house or treat you with disrespect, you must introduce consequences, up to and including forcing them to move out. Taking your adult offspring to a homeless shelter or changing the locks is excruciating, but it is kinder than hating them for continuing to take advantage of you.

15. Draw the line. There are some things you must not allow your kids to do under your roof, including dealing or using drugs, dangerous or illegal activities, and anything that endangers or infringes on the rights of other family members. If your kids persist in such activities, you may have to throw them out. If your family has conservative views on sexual activities you should also restrict the access to your home.

16. Set Goals and Deadlines. Give them a time line by which point they need to move out. You can change the locks if necessary but do try to have them move out on their own.

17. Stand by your rules. It's tiring to enforce them all the time but by ignoring some rules they assume you will cave on the time line to move out.

18. Work with your Spouse. Don't let your child gain the upper hand by turning you away from the rules that you and your Spouse worked out together. It's easy to get defensive and take the side of the child over your Spouse but remember... You and your Spouse are the rulers of your Castle, not you and your Child. Defensive Moms & dads become Single moms & dads quickly and is it really necessary to lose a Spouse because you can't tell your adult child "NO"?

19. Stay Out of the Drama. Your child(ren) have the ability to trigger you by what they say and do. Move past the emotion and drama. You are NOT a bad mother or father, you did the best job you could with the resources that you had and what you knew at the time. You are not helping yourself or your child by allowing yourself to be held hostage by anger, fear or even mental illness. Get support someone to talk to that will give you clarity on what is real and what techniques you can use to be heard.

20. Don’t Buy into the Poor Me Stuff. There are always excuses for not doing things. Instead of listening to what your child is saying. Pay attention to what they are doing. Focus on their actions and their plans. When they start to complain about how hard it is. Be understanding but keep focused on the “action” that they are taking and the ”plans” they have. There is the clarity. Your child may be arranging lots of job interviews but not getting hired. What could be happening here is for the child setting up interviews may be the desired result for them. They might have no intention of actually getting a job.

21. Teaching Life Skills. Don't think that by doing your child's laundry and cooking for him/her and handing out money is preparing them for the real world. They need to learn to take care of themselves. You must be firm and be ready for resistance. Remember, they are used to you doing everything for them and they may not be ready to give that up but you must prepare them to live life when the time comes you are no longer around. You may think being hard on them is tough but doing everything for them makes them helpless and lazy adults and it will be even harder for them once you're not around.

22. Be frank about this. Drug use or friends who use drugs are not allowed on your property. Do not allow them in your home. If they have listened this far, then possibly they will listen to you about this. If they are high then wait to comment about this. Make sure you are not high.

Tips:

• Adult kids are masters at playing your emotions. The longer you give in the longer they will play you like a fiddle and the more unhappy you will be. It is your responsibility as a Parent to make them ready for the real world. Letting your child stay home and taking care of him/her like a Maid is YOUR fault, not the child's. If you baby them then they have no reason to leave do they?

• Ask them how much they've saved for a deposit on a new place. Help them keep track of their savings if you need to. Reward good saving practices by offering additional rewards as incentives. For example, after they've saved a predetermined portion of what they would need you can offer them certain furniture pieces, buy a microwave but don't allow it out of the box, help them pick out kitchen items or furnishings. Keep those in a "storage area" assigned for the new place but off limits for now. Seeing the items will further encourage independence.

• Discourage them from spending money on unneeded items. Are they buying video games, guitars, clothes, eating out with friends? Help them make a budget. Keep your eyes open and point out unnecessary spending. Explain to them what it's really like in the real world.

• Don't allow them to ban you from their room. It's your home. You should feel encouraged to go in from time to time, look for expensive and unneeded purchases, make sure it is clean. If they argue, remove the door from the hinges.

• Don't baby them, but do support them.

• Don't just hold them to the same chores you had them doing as a child. They're an adult and capable of not only contributing but helping you make improvements to your home. Even if they are employed you should feel comfortable assigning them more demanding and labor intensive tasks. For example: cleaning out the garage and repainting it, cleaning out the attic or other storage spaces, removing paneling and repainting walls, filing old papers and documents, organizing photos, redoing rooms in the house. The list is endless.

• Don't provide them with any additional conveniences at your expense. If they want conveniences they should get a job. This includes cell phones, cars, insurance, internet and even food costs depending on how much you are able to provide.

• Experts agree that the best way to discuss – and stick to – these household rules is to draft up a customized contract between you and your adult kids living at home. Schedule a mandatory family meeting.

• Get a calendar and establish a time line for getting a new job or additional jobs and moving out. Mark it on the calendar and let them know up front the date is firm.

• Helping them monitor their money and spending is essential. Consider setting up a savings account with both your names. You can monitor the progress and any money withdrawn won't impact your financial standing as it would for a checking account.

• If they are legitimately unable to find work ask your boss if they can be brought in one or two days a week for minimum wage. Have them file, etc. If you're able you can also take them to work and have them assist you with getting caught up on your work that could potentially make you more money. You may need to pay them out of your pocket but it could save you money long term.

• If they don't have a car, drop them off in a business or retail district and when you pick them up ask to see the application forms.

• If they spend too much time on line or on the phone, playing video games, etc. you should consider getting rid of the internet or phone line or eliminate their access to those luxuries. Consider locking up video game consoles, controllers and games.

• If you kid won't take initiative you can start speaking to neighbors. Find out who needs their lawns mowed, fence painted, etc. Because of your efforts you should feel comfortable being the one to collect the money once the job is complete and take a percentage. You can also make sure they did the job as instructed.

• If your child DOES have a post-graduate job, but its entry level (though on a career-oriented path), the odds are that they won't be able to afford living on their own just yet. As long as they contribute to the household's utilities, buy their own groceries (cooking for themselves), pitch in with household chores, and clean up after themselves, you have nothing to worry about. Give it a few years, as long as you can get along. Their salary will go up in time. Remember, many cultures are based on large families living together, and in today's financial crunch the job market is rough. Give them bonus points if they pay for their own health insurance.

• If your kids do require moving back home after school, after a job loss or divorce you should establish up front that you are doing this as a favor and it is temporary.

• In some areas it is common for kids to stay in the parental home longer than in other areas. The cost of living in a region is the main reason but there are other factors. Just because you moved out when you turned 18 doesn't make it practical today. An 18 year old in a large city will not be able to support themselves as easily as an 18 year old in a small town. If you're in a large city you may want to anticipate them staying longer or start the planning while they are still in school.

• Plan ahead! The concepts of responsibility, accountability, and independence should be introduced to kids gradually over a period of several years. If you overindulge your kids or allow them to feel a sense of entitlement, it will be very difficult for them to become successful, self-sufficient adults.

• Refuse to feel guilty. Remember, moving out and becoming self-sufficient is in your kids' best interests. Letting them stay at home and take advantage of you is not only miserable, but irresponsible.

• Remember it's your turn now No one wants to feel like they're letting their kids down, but if younger kids see their adult sibling still living at home when they are grown up, then what is to stop them from doing the same thing. You are not obligated to keep kids at home with you untill they are in their 30's or 40's. That was not part of the deal. If they make poor adult choices that is their fault and not yours.

• Think of jobs around the house you would need to pay someone for and assign those to be done by a certain deadline.

• You should stay on them. Nag if you must. Get them up early and watch them leave the house in presentable clothes to begin searching for work. Remind them you are doing them a favor and they should not confuse this time with summer vacation.

Warnings:

• Adult kids living at home who are over-parented and over-supervised will rebel as quickly as teenagers, so you need to develop some strategies to establish a new adult-to-adult relationship – quick!

• Do not put your own financial future on the line to support your adult kids living at home. You do neither yourself nor your kids any good by creating extra debt or obligations for yourself.

• Don't allow them to use credit cards. If they can't afford to pay them they can be digging into a bigger hole. Confiscate them.

• Don't be cruel! No matter how annoying they may be now, they are still your kids, and you should treat them as such.

• Drug use or people carrying drugs onto your property is illegal. For that matter any illegal activity by your adult child exposes all of you.

• Drug use or their friends who use drugs should not be allowed to enter your property.

• If you don’t know where the money to make the situation work will come from, you need to think long and hard about whether you can help your adult kids by having them live at your home.

• It may be hard to remember sometimes, but adult kids living at home are still adults. A sure way to set yourself up for conflict is to over-parent your adult kids.

• Keep an eye on bills coming in to make sure they have not opened lines of credit that can't be justified or paid for.

• Keep an eye on expenses and utilities. Keep records and set new rules if you find certain utilities costing significantly more.

• Once your kids are moved out, resist their pleas to move back in, especially if the living situation was difficult previously. It is usually better to lend your support in other ways, like helping them to find an affordable living situation or lending them money for utilities, etc. if you can afford it. They may struggle at times just to keep a roof over their heads, but they will probably prove resourceful and resilient enough to recover eventually. It may be better to let them be homeless for a time than to allow them to become helpless and dependent adults.

• This is one of the most difficult tasks in all of parenting. It takes a lot of patience and love, and sometimes professional guidance, to get through it.

Online Parent Support

12 year old daughter loves 16 year old boy...

2009-10-31T07:56:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: Telling my 12 year old daughter that she cannot see or talk with a 16 year old boy she says she love. She says she will run away. His family is messed up as well they use drugs... his dad is violent and his parents see nothing wrong with them seeing each other. Help has anyone dealt with this, what did you do?

Police are called weekly...

2009-10-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: Juvenile system can be 6 months off, and 16 yr old continues to not come home for days, misses school, suspended, expelled, etc. Police are called weekly. 7 citations, 1 vandalism, continues. Contracts no good. Not getting cell, money, car, laptop and doesn't seem to matter. Any ideas?

I have a very defiant 17 yr old daughter...

2009-10-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I have a very defiant 17 yr old daughter who wont be 18 til May of next year. She has a drug and alcohol problem, wont come home for weeks on end, she doesnt attend school, she has been in trouble with the law (although she doesnt have a record because they have never arrested her), she is very disrespectful to me. This is very tough on me because I am a single mom with no money.

I have tried just talking to her to get her to open up to me (she says I wouldnt understand). I have also tried getting mad at her, taking things away from her, grounding her, etc. i have a ton of missing person reports filed on her. The police say for me to get counseling for her. I tried, she doesnt want it and wont go.they say for me to physically put her in the car, but she gets physical back.

She has also attempted suicide before. Pls HELP! I have also looked into lock down facilities, but I cant afford one.

Thanks,

Teachermom

We run late most days trying to get her out of bed...

2009-10-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My daughter is in her final year in high school (nearly 16), every morning she is complaining about feeling sick (for the last 5 weeks), I don't let her stay off, but it is making mornings very stressful and we run late most days trying to get her out of bed. Her school is 5 miles away so I drive her to school each day then go to work. Most mornings we battle then don't speak all the way to school. It is putting me in such a bad mood even before getting to work!! Any advise?

====================================================================

Comment 1

School refusal occurs when a student will not go to school or frequently experiences severe distress related to school attendance. Comprehensive treatment of school refusal, including psychiatric and medical evaluation when appropriate, is important because studies show that psychiatric disorders are the cause for up to 46% of students who fail to complete high school in the United States. Parents can do several things to help their child who refuses to attend school and treatment may be necessary. With treatment, the rate of remission is excellent; approximately 83% of children with school refusal who were treated with cognitive therapy were attending school at 1-year follow-up. School refusal is considered more of a symptom than a disorder and can have various causes.

Although young children usually find going to school fun and exciting, 1 in 4 children may occasionally refuse to attend school. Such behavior becomes a routine problem in about 2% of children. Many children with school refusal have an earlier history of separation anxiety, social anxiety, or depression. Undiagnosed learning disabilities or reading disorders may also play a significant role in the development of school refusal.

Signs of a psychiatric disorder called separation anxiety disorder can include the following:

• School refusal
• Excessive worry about losing a parent; excessive worry that a parent might be harmed
• Excessive reluctance to be alone at any time
• Persistent refusal to go to sleep without a parent or other caretaker present
• Repeated complaints of physical symptoms whenever the child is about to leave a significant parental figure

These behaviors must begin before the child is aged 18 years, must last for 4 weeks or longer, and must cause serious problems with academic, social, or other functioning in order to be called a disorder.

Some commonly cited reasons for refusal to attend school include the following:

• A parent being ill (Surprisingly, school refusal can begin after the parent recovers
• Parents separating, having marital problems, or having frequent arguments
• A death in the family of a friend of the child
• Moving from one house to another during the first years of elementary school
• Jealousy over a new brother or sister at home
• Parents worrying about the child in some way (for example, poor health)

Other problems at school that can cause school refusal include feeling lost (especially in a new school), not having friends, being bullied by another child, or not getting along with a teacher or classmates.

Refusal to go to school may happen at any age but most typically occurs in children aged 5-7 years and in those aged 11-14 years. During these years, children are dealing with the changes of starting school or making the transition from elementary or middle school to high school. Preschoolers may also develop school refusal without any experience of school attendance.

Generally, the child or adolescent refuses to attend school and experiences significant distress about the idea of attending school. Truancy (absent from school without permission) may be due to delinquency or conduct disorder and can be differentiated from school refusal. The truant student generally brags to others (peers) about not attending school, whereas the student with school refusal, because of anxiety or fear, tends to be embarrassed or ashamed at his or her inability to attend school.

Signs of school refusal can include significant school absence (generally 1 week or more) and/or significant distress even with school attendance. Distress with school attendance may include the following:

• A child who cries or protests every morning before school
• An adolescent who misses the bus every day
• A child who regularly develops some type of physical symptom when it is time to go to school

Teachers and school staff should help the student identify and recognize the triggers for school refusal. Opportunities to practice relaxation techniques can significantly reduce anxiety.

Parents or other caregivers can do several things to control school refusal before it becomes a routine, troublesome behavior.

• Listening to the child's actual concerns and fears of going to school is important. Some of the reasons for refusing to attend school may include another child at school who is a bully, problems on the bus or carpool ride to school, or fears of inability to keep up with the other students in the classroom; these issues can be addressed if they are known. On the other hand, making too big a deal of school refusal may promote the child's behavior to continue.

• Firmly getting the child to school regularly and on time will help. Not prolonging the goodbyes can help as well. Sometimes it works best if someone else can take the child to school after the parent or caregiver says goodbye at home.

• It truly helps to believe that the child will get over this problem; discuss this with the child (the parent or caregiver needs to convince himself or herself of this before trying to convince the child).

• The parent or caregiver should reassure the child that he or she will be there upon the child's return from school; this should be repeated over and over, if necessary. Let the child know that the parent or caregiver will be doing "boring stuff" at home during the school day. Always be on time to pick the child up from school if you provide transportation rather than a school bus.

• Whenever events occur that could tend to cause students to miss school (for example, traumatic events such as terrorism, school shootings, or other traumas) all attempts should be made to help students return promptly to school and to help them to feel safe at school.

• Supportive counseling is often made available at school in these circumstances so as to minimize reinforcement of school avoidant behaviors and to prevent secondary gain from school refusal and should be encouraged for any student who wishes to have it. If the child simply refuses to go to school, some parents have found that decreasing the reward for staying home helps, for example, do not allow video games or television, or find out what work is being done in the school and provide similar education at home, when possible. This is especially if the "illness" seems to disappear once the child is allowed to stay at home.

====================================================================

Comment 2

Teens are notorious for staying up late at night and being hard to awaken in the morning. Your teen is probably no exception, but it's not necessarily because he or she is lazy or contrary. This behavior pattern actually has a physical cause — and there are ways to help mesh your teen's sleep schedule with that of the rest of the world.

Everyone has an internal clock that influences body temperature, sleep cycles, appetite and hormonal changes. The biological and psychological processes that follow the cycle of this 24-hour internal clock are called circadian rhythms. Before adolescence, these circadian rhythms direct most children to naturally fall asleep around 8 or 9 p.m. But puberty changes a teen's internal clock, delaying the time he or she starts feeling sleepy — often until 11 p.m. or later. Staying up late to study or socialize can disrupt a teen's internal clock even more.

Most teens need about nine hours of sleep a night — and sometimes more — to maintain optimal daytime alertness. But few teens actually get that much sleep regularly, thanks to part-time jobs, homework, extracurricular activities, social demands and early-morning classes. More than 90 percent of teens in a recent study reported sleeping less than the recommended nine hours a night. In the same study, 10 percent of teens reported sleeping less than six hours a night.

Big deal? Yes. Irritability aside, sleep deprivation can have serious consequences. Daytime sleepiness makes it difficult to concentrate and learn, or even stay awake in class. Too little sleep may contribute to mood swings and behavioral problems. And sleepy teens who get behind the wheel may cause serious — even deadly — accidents.

Catching up on sleep during the weekends seems like a logical solution to teen sleep problems, but it doesn't help much. In fact, sleeping in can confuse your teen's internal clock even more. A forced early bedtime may backfire, too. If your teen goes to bed too early, he or she may only lie awake for hours.

So what can you do? Don't assume that your teen is at the mercy of his or her internal clock. Take action tonight!

• Adjust the lighting. As bedtime approaches, dim the lights. Turn the lights off during sleep. In the morning, expose your teen to bright light. These simple cues can help signal when it's time to sleep and when it's time to wake up.
• Curb the caffeine. A jolt of caffeine may help your teen stay awake during class, but the effects are fleeting. And too much caffeine can interfere with a good night's sleep.
• Keep it calm. Encourage your teen to wind down at night with a warm shower, a book or other relaxing activities — and avoid vigorous exercise, loud music, video games, text messaging, Web surfing and other stimulating activities shortly before bedtime. Take the TV out of your teen's room, or keep it off at night. The same goes for your teen's cell phone and computer.
• Nix long naps. If your teen is drowsy during the day, a 30-minute nap after school may be refreshing. But too much daytime shut-eye may only make it harder to fall asleep at night.
• Stick to a schedule. Tough as it may be, encourage your teen to go to bed and get up at the same time every day — even on weekends. Prioritize extracurricular activities and curb late-night social time as needed. If your teen has a job, limit working hours to no more than 16 to 20 hours a week.

Sleeping pills and other medications generally aren't recommended for teens.

In some cases, excessive daytime sleepiness can be a sign of something more than a problem with your teen's internal clock. Other problems can include:

• Depression. Sleeping too much or too little is a common sign of depression.
• Insomnia or biological clock disturbance. If your teen has trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, he or she is likely to struggle with daytime sleepiness.
• Medication side effects. Many medications — including over-the-counter cold and allergy medications and prescription medications to treat depression and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder — can affect sleep.
• Narcolepsy. Sudden daytime sleep, usually for only short periods of time, can be a sign of narcolepsy. Narcoleptic episodes can occur at any time — even in the middle of a conversation. Sudden attacks of muscle weakness in response to emotions such as laughter, anger or surprise are possible, too.
• Obstructive sleep apnea. When throat muscles fall slack during sleep, they stop air from moving freely through the nose and windpipe. This can interfere with breathing and disrupt sleep.
• Restless legs syndrome. This condition causes a "creepy" sensation in the legs and an irresistible urge to move the legs, usually shortly after going to bed. The discomfort and movement can interrupt sleep.

If you're concerned about your teen's daytime sleepiness or sleep habits, contact your teen's doctor. If your teen is depressed or has a sleep disorder, proper treatment may be the key to a good night's sleep.

Online Parent Support

The abuse seems to be increasing...

2009-10-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

How long does a parent put up with being told how much they are hated and how worthless they are, I am questioned about how I spend their child support. My sons are 17 and 19 and the abuse seems to be increasing. I am a single female parent with a good job. Any comments?

She is on the phone at night sometimes till 11:30 -11:45pm...

2009-09-27T10:46:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I have a 15 yr. old and she is on the phone at night sometimes till 11:30 -11:45pm and has school the next day. I would like her to get off the phone sooner and have asked her to do that. She has said to me that as long as she is getting up on time for school and her HW is done why am I having a problem with it? If she continues to get up on time and has her HW done is this one of those pick your battles? I am not sure if this is one battle I should leave alone, unless it starts to interfere with her getting up for school or having her HW done. Thank you.

I kicked him out...

2009-09-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Can this system help my son and I regain our relationship? Things are so bad that I kicked him out (he is 18) and he is living in his pick-up truck, sponging off anyone, and still lying ( of course)!

How do you get a teen to hand in items for bad behaviour?

2009-09-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = How do you get a teen to hand in items (we take away all electronic items) for bad behaviour? He has threatened to get a knife, to runaway etc today as he is so worked up about loosing his stuff. His therapist tells us we need to reward him with his things for being good instead of punishing him. We have had more success with your program.

Staying out late on school nights...

2009-09-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

One of my sons favorite people is a 22 year old. He is a nice, polite person, but just isn't getting it when I tell him to not encourage my son to stay out late on school nights, support his having to go to school, mentor him regarding school, etc. It isn't working. I don't want to tell this young person to beat it, but...Now, my husband is about ready to kick all of our son's friends away-that's not realistic-our son will go nuts over that. We have tried to tell him, hey you can hang with them all weekend, from after school to Sunday evening, but it just isn't enough. I don't want to freak out on our son, but I feel a huge panic coming and Lord only knows what I might do. That's not going to help matters any!

======================================================================

Comment 1 -

Everyone needs to belong — to feel connected with others and be with others who share attitudes, interests, and circumstances that resemble their own. People choose friends who accept and like them and see them in a favorable light.

Teens want to be with people their own age — their peers. During adolescence, teens spend more time with their peers and without parental supervision. With peers, teens can be both connected and independent, as they break away from their parents' images of them and develop identities of their own.

While many families help teens in feeling proud and confident of their unique traits, backgrounds, and abilities, peers are often more accepting of the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with the teen's search for self-identity.

The influence of peers — whether positive or negative — is of critical importance in your teen's life. Whether you like it or not, the opinions of your child's peers often carry more weight than yours.

Positive Peer Pressure

The ability to develop healthy friendships and peer relationships depends on a teen's self-identity, self-esteem, and self-reliance.

At its best, peer pressure can mobilize your teen's energy, motivate for success, and encourage your teen to conform to healthy behavior. Peers can and do act as positive role models. Peers can and do demonstrate appropriate social behaviors. Peers often listen to, accept, and understand the frustrations, challenges, and concerns associated with being a teenager.

Negative Peer Pressure

The need for acceptance, approval, and belonging is vital during the teen years. Teens who feel isolated or rejected by their peers — or in their family — are more likely to engage in risky behaviors in order to fit in with a group. In such situations, peer pressure can impair good judgment and fuel risk-taking behavior, drawing a teen away from the family and positive influences and luring into dangerous activities.

For example, teens with ADHD, learning differences or disabilities are often rejected due to their age-inappropriate behavior, and thus are more likely to associate with other rejected and/or delinquent peers. Some experts believe that teenage girls frequently enter into sexual relationships when what they are seeking is acceptance, approval, and love.

A powerful negative peer influence can motivate a teen to make choices and engage in behavior that his or her values might otherwise reject. Some teens will risk being grounded, losing their parents' trust, or even facing jail time, just to try and fit in or feel like they have a group of friends they can identify with and who accept them. Sometimes, teens will change the way they dress, their friends, give up their values or create new ones, depending on the people they hang around with.

Some teens harbor secret lives governed by the influence of their peers. Some — including those who appear to be well-behaved, high-achieving teens when they are with adults — engage in negative, even dangerous behavior when with their peers.

Once influenced, teens may continue the slide into problems with the law, substance abuse, school problems, authority defiance, gang involvement, etc.

If your teen associates with people who are using drugs or displaying self-destructive behaviors, then your child is probably doing the same.

Encourage Healthy and Positive Relationships

It is important to encourage friendships among teens. We all want our children to be with persons who will have a positive influence, and stay away from persons who will encourage or engage in harmful, destructive, immoral, or illegal activities.

Parents can support positive peer relationships by giving their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves.

Specifically, parents can show support by:

*Having a positive relationship with your teen. When parent-teen interactions are characterized by warmth, kindness, consistency, respect, and love, the relationship will flourish, as will the teen's self-esteem, mental health, spirituality, and social skills.
*Being genuinely interested in your teen's activities. This allows parents to know their teen's friends and to monitor behavior, which is crucial in keeping teens out of trouble. When misbehavior does occur, parents who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules. Parents who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their children's abilities to live up to those expectations grow.
*Encouraging independent thought and expression. In this way, teens can develop a healthy sense of self and an enhanced ability to resist peer pressure.

When Parents Don't Approve

You may not be comfortable about your son or daughter's choice of friends or peer group. This may be because of their image, negative attitudes, or serious behaviors (such as alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors).

Here are some suggestions:

*Get to know the friends of your teen. Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their parents.
*Do not attack your child's friends. Remember that criticizing your teen's choice of friends is like a personal attack.
*Help your teen understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is).
*Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.
*Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.
*If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices -- not the friends.
*Encourage your teen's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
*Let your teen know of your concerns and feelings.
*Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
*Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he or she must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence)

And you must ensure that your teen knows that he or she is loved and valued as an individual at home.

====================================================================

Comment 2 -

“But, Mom, EVERYBODY does it!” It’s a child’s battle cry. Wanting to do what “all” the kids are doing is part of growing up. Children naturally form into groups by preadolescence and the desire to “belong” often produces a desire to conform. But when peer pressure shifts your child’s attention away from healthful activities and toward dangerous ones—drugs, drinking, smoking, sex—you have a right to be concerned. The media are full of horror stories of the consequences of peer pressure from teen suicide to drug overdoses to pregnancy.

To help your child cope with peer pressure, there are several tactics you can use. One of the best ones, from the very start, is keep close emotionally and physically to your child. Studies show that the child who is most susceptible to negative peer influence is the child who feels least close to a parent. If you leave an emotional vacuum in your child’s life, it will be filled from outside the family and possibly in a negative way.

Adolescents must learn to understand and rely on their own emerging selves. But teaching children how to make choices is far from simple. Expect to have to put in a lot of time.

What is Peer Pressure?

To open the door for talks with your child, make sure your youngster understands exactly what it means. Peer pressure is the perception that others expect you to act in a particular way. This perception may be wrong! Here are some elements of peer pressure you can discuss with your child:

• Kids want to feel a strong sense of acceptance and “belonging”.
• To get recognition.
• To look mature.
• To have fun.

Peer pressure is one of the most potent forces in your life, but its influence is often very subtle. You may not even realize you are being pressured. It’s a combination of subtle influences and not only from peers. Positive and negative pressures also come from parents, teachers, and the media.

Negative peer pressure happens when your friends ask you, or otherwise try to influence you, to do something you know is wrong! You don’t want to say “no” because:

• You don’t want to be left out.
• You don’t want to seem like a goody-goody.
• You don’t want to lose them as your friends.
• You’re afraid they’ll tease you and spread rumors around school.

Who Feels Peer Pressure?

Kids aren’t the only ones. Many adults allow themselves to be victimized by the “keep-up-with-the-Joneses” syndrome. But preteens and teens are extra vulnerable to negative peer influence. They are in the time of their lives in which they turn to their peer group for recognition and support and away from their families. They are trying to establish independence from the family. This is desirable and normal, but the process takes a long time and in the meantime, there can be confusion and frustration.

Kids whose parents and schools do little to teach them healthy ways of having fun are more likely to submit to negative peer pressure. They simply don’t know any better. Low self-esteem, depression and lack of understanding and communication between adolescent, the parents, school officials and other adults are all significant problems.

Parents who are critical, judgmental or unsympathetic to underlying emotions set up their kids for excessive peer influence. These kids will follow peer examples despite strong parental reactions. Why? They haven’t been given an incentive to follow parental guidance. They have to like you and trust you first.

What Should Parents Do?

1. From infancy on, play with your kids. Laugh with them and talk over concerns with them.
2. Set strong, effective limits. Stick to your basic standards as your child adjusts to the peer group.
3. Make your rules clear and don’t ignore problems when you child breaks one of the rules.
4. Help your child sort out “safe” from “risky” situations.
5. Discuss what behavior would be appropriate in various situations.
6. Help your child realize that peer pressure is largely in the child’s own mind. Therefore, the child can manage it.
7. Teach your child decision-making skills.
8. Stress how “grown-up” it is to stick to your guns in the face of ridicule, when you know you’re doing the right thing.
9. Teach your child mature and responsible qualities (making the best decisions for yourself) so that the child will strive to practice them instead of harmful activities that just look grown-up such as smoking, drinking and using drugs.
10. Acknowledge how hard it might be to turn down a friend. Teach your child to ask the question, “Is he really my friend if he asks me to do this?”
11. Encourage your child to always come to you to talk about incidents, even if he has submitted to the peer pressure. Promise that you won’t let your anger get in the way of listening fairly and trying to help.
12. If your child does make a mistake, reprimand him appropriately. Discuss with him how to prevent the same thing from happening again.
13. Above all, stress that children have a choice! They can evaluate each situation, consider the facts, examine personal feelings and values, and arrive at the best conclusion.

What Are The Consequences?

Give your child the opportunity to resist peer influences. Alert your child to potential problems. Give him or her time to anticipate these situations and devise and practice ways to overcome them. That’s how to help a young person develop skills to act out decisions. That’s how to develop true independence.

Consequences of Submitting to Negative Peer Pressure

1. Potential effects of and legal penalties for using drugs.
2. How dangerous it is to mix drugs and alcohol.
3. Specific ways that judgment can be impaired by drinking alcohol and using drugs.
4. The dangers of smoking.
5. Legal punishments for stealing.
6. Penalties for being caught cheating.
7. How sexual excitement can build and become difficult to control.
8. How and why it’s possible for a female to get pregnant, no matter what time of the month it is.

Consequences of Resisting Peer Pressure

1. Self-respect for being confident and strong.
2. Respect from friends and other adults.
3. Sway friends away from situations that may be dangerous, mean or just plain wrong.
4. Possible teasing and ostracism.
5. Risk losing friends and acceptance.

Even though they may not act like it, preteens and teens are looking to you for explanations and reassurance related to their changes in emotional and physical states. They’re anxious about their own development—more than you are! The more you talk with your child, supply information, and acknowledge the many feelings that might be involved, the less likely it is that he or she will be pressured into unhealthy or dangerous decisions. And the more they will know that you love them. Your child’s physician is an excellent source of further information about peer pressure.

Online Parent Support

My son is way out of control...

2009-09-17T11:05:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My son is way out of control, he is suspended again at the moment, I have tried using the three day grounding etc and has taken his computer, dvd, etc out of his room, he never seems to get through the three days, he had smashed things in my house, kicked in my front door, been pick up by the police for being truant, smashed a plate in front of me, slashed my fly screens in the windows and thrown a fruit at a large mirror splattering it everywhere, he swears at me and I cannot stop him myself from leaving the house. We are in counselling and yet his behaviour is getting dangerously out of control. He hit a boy at school yesterday and the parent doesn't want to lay charges, he is going all these things and the police can't do anything, he knows he can get away with most things he does at the moment, he steals from me, I have a lock on my bedroom door and he broke in from outside. The police are reluctant because he is only 14 yrs old.He wont talk to me and I dont know what to do with him.

What to do for runaway teens?

2009-09-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: we have just begun the program today, and my husband on giving her internet access to do her homework found her talking to her boyfriend about living with her dad (ex crim) on msn and became so mad he asked for her phone, she ran away down the road with not even any shoes on in the cold and dark and he told her not to come back, we are sitting at home wondering what to do, what will happen.....what should we do....we are in text conversation with her but she will not tell us where she is and she is refusing to come home...what to do for runaway teens? She wants to go live with her dad...don't know why he didn't pick her up?

Daughter has been sneaking out of the house at night...

2009-08-29T12:09:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: Just found out that my daughter has been sneaking out of the house at night. And shes been lying or omitting wheres shes going with friends...how do I bridge these issues without driving her away?

Thanks, MF

Teenager leaving home...

2009-08-25T10:13:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: Teenager leaving home and not coming back for several days.

She will not even talk to me...

2009-08-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue: my child is at her father's house and now she will not even talk to me. she refuses to answer the phone ...her father is of no help he is enabling this kind of behavior. I have custody of her but I can not get any help to get her back ...I feel like i'm up against a wall. what do i do now?

My son left Saturday night...

2009-08-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My son left Saturday night after refusing to go to church, he told me F you and we the rest of us went to church he was gone when we got back. I called a friends house Sunday night because he hadn't come home yet and asked his mom if she would tell him to come home. She text her son and he said he hadn't seen him but would tell him if he did. I know that he has seen him though. I suspended phone service on my son's phone and I suspect he is staying with different friends and is being stubborn. What should I do? Should I make a scene and get the cops involved or find him and just make sure he is o.k. and let him come back when he is ready to talk.

My daughter is out of control...

2009-07-31T07:49:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

I need help with the following issue: my daughter is out of control. she is 16 yrs. old going on 21. she runs away, she is sleeping around with older men. she is just uncontrollable. I need someones help.

Teen who is making bad choices...

2009-07-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

I need help with the following issue:

I am wondering what you think about allowing a teen (15) who is making bad choices (sex, drugs, etc.) to just make them or put in obstacles so they CANNOT make the choice again. I have an alarm on my home. My daughter climbed out of our cat door, through the garage and out the side garage door that the alarm in not connected to. Aside from other consequences, in response to this, I bought a bolt lock with a key on both sides so she cannot get out the door. This is my MO...when she makes a bad choice, I put obstacles in her way so she cannot do it again instead of allowing her to use her own self will to make the right choice. I feel these choices are dangerous and I should intervene but how is she going to learn to make the right choices on her own?

Daughter took friend's car and is still gone...

2009-07-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I previously wrote in the chat box, but now I see I can get feedback here and I do need it. My daughter, 17, non-driver, not licensed, took a friend's car today and is still gone. I feel terrible. The friend is a Marine that just got back from the field, only to find his new vehicle gone. He doesn't want to press charges. The sheriff said all I can do is report her a runaway. I want her safe, I pray she is safe; doesn't have an accident and doesn't wreck this nice young man's vehicle. He had loaned the car to a common friend who gave my daughter the keys earlier today. What a mess! I have been so grateful for this parenting program, and still I am exhausted-- a single mom, two part-time jobs... but you know my daughter is out of control, surely, and yet I am so hopeful, just don't see the end of the tunnel yet...is it ahead somewhere...? I am real glad I am in the part of the E-book about letting go, and forgiving... Sorry this is so long, but it is very cleansing writing, and knowing there are others out there dealing with similar difficulties. Thank you for being there...This is painful. I sure hope my daughter and the car are okay. And I will not give up.

My daughter is 16 and has a baby...

2009-06-25T08:08:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My daughter is 16 and has a baby. She does not respect me at all. I tell her or ask her to do something, she does what she wants. I have called the police on her twice and I am just tied.

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Best Answer:

I was a teen mother too. I was 15, in love, doing well in school, had an after-school job and not a care in the world.

I was also sexually active; I had been since I was a freshman in high school. I vividly recall the first guy I slept with -- tall, strapping and popular with the ladies, and for some reason, he liked me! Or so I thought. Even when he told me, "If you get pregnant, you will have to deal with it," I looked at him starry-eyed and did not utter a single word.

I hated the way I looked. I lived in a home with eight other people, and the idea that this tall, good-looking guy wanted me instead of the other girls, well, that was worth anything. I equated his touch with specialness, his kisses with love. When I was with him, all the loathing I felt about my appearance and the sadness I felt at home disappeared. I wasn't just one of those other girls. After all, he said he loved me, and he wouldn't have sex with me if he didn't, right?

Well, I did have to deal with it. I became pregnant by that first guy, and family pressures led me to have an abortion. Lesson learned right then and there, huh?

Guess again. Next was the guy I really thought I was in love with. This "first true love" dumped me for a cheerleader in my class about three weeks after we slept together. About nine months later, I was a junior in high school, with straight A's and in honors classes. I still had my after-school job and yes, I still was sexually active. My latest boyfriend was this guy I had met about two months before through a friend of a friend.

Lesson still not learned. Here I was once more. Kisses, touching, words of love. One day I don't get my period. No big deal, I think; I am very physically active. I'm just late, is all. One day turns into a week, and then two and then three. I had now officially known my "boyfriend" nine weeks. Do I tell him? Do I go to the doctor? What if my family finds out? I finally break down and ask a friend to go with me to the drugstore, too terrified to ask my very old-fashioned grandparents for help. Our house was a house where you didn't ask and you weren't told. After all, they were raised that way, so why not raise us that way too?

We went to Eckerd's under the guise of needing a pair of pantyhose, and with great embarrassment, I asked the pharmacist for a test. I ran home with the sacred box hidden under my shirt and locked myself in the bathroom. Those three minutes were the longest, most painfully anxious moments in my young life. I couldn't bear to look at first and then, slowly; I turned my head and saw the bright pink "X" staring me right in the face.

At first I was disbelieving. I think I sat in that bathroom for an hour, just staring at this white stick with the big pink "X." My heart was in my throat, my pulse was racing, my stomach was doing flip-flops. Instinctively, my hand went toward my belly. I removed my top and stared at my flat stomach in the mirror and tried to fathom its getting big and round.

Eventually my sense of hopeless romanticism took over and I began to imagine myself and my boyfriend taking long walks with "our child" in the stroller, "our child" lying in a soft bed next to his/her parents, "the proud mom and dad" sitting side by side as "their child" grew up in utter bliss. By the time I left that bathroom with the little white stick in my hand , those childish fantasies were real in my mind.

Never once did it occur to me that my unborn child's father might not want this. After all, he loved me; he had told me so. In my naiveté, I had made myself believe that sex was love. After all, I was a good girl and good girls didn't sleep around. They "made love" to the person they were in a relationship with.

Now excited about the idea of being a mom (me, a mom!), I called the father-to-be, expecting, I guess, for him to share my enthusiasm, for him to come right over, scoop me in his arms, profess his undying devotion and propose to me on the spot! Well, as I eventually learned the hard way, fairy tales only exist in those beautifully drawn books in the libraries. This was no library and he was no Prince Charming.

He was a 17-year-old kid, getting a phone call from a girl he barely knew, telling him he was going to be a dad. "Are you sure?" was his first question. "Are you sure it's mine?" was the next. That should have been warning enough for what was to come, but I had always been a romantic and I wanted -- no, I needed -- to believe in love so badly that I didn't process his doubts. To me, they were just a reaction to major news; he would come around.

We went to the doctor several weeks later to confirm what I already knew. Soon, at 16, I would be a mom. Soon this tiny life would be in my arms.

The doctor confirmed my pregnancy, and this time I decided I not to have an abortion. I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. I was to learn, years later, that both of our families felt it was the right thing to do. I simply thought at the time that it was a sign of his love for me and his excitement about becoming a father.

I continued to go to school and study hard. Around my fifth month of pregnancy, when my belly started to get a little bigger and my breasts started to get a little heavier, the father-to-be and I started to drift apart. I don't think it hit either of us, until I started to show, how permanent this was. Once there was the "proof" that we would soon be parents, it dawned on him that soon he would be a dad and a parent with someone he neither really knew nor ever truly loved. By the time the baby was born, we had separate bedrooms and when we spoke, it was through his parents.

On a rush of hormones, adrenaline and fantasy, I still clung to the ever-persistent notion that it had to work. We had to be a family. We had created a life together, another human being, and that had to mean something. If it didn't, then all of those careful fantasies, all of those sweet little stories I had let myself believe, were wrong. It meant I would have to face reality -- that I was going to be a mom and I was going to have a child who would depend on me, alone. Me! For the rest of my life.

I just had not had the maturity or the strength to allow myself to see the truth. In reality, we never loved one another. How could we? Our relationship was based on a sexual attraction. I think in our secret hearts we both knew that when you date someone as a teenager, even if sex is involved, somewhere deep down you know that it is temporary. You are young with the world at your feet -- everything to explore and learn, and there is plenty of time to settle down and get serious. But girls and guys like me -- so desperate to feel love, never realizing that the love starts from within -- girls and guys like me cling to every word, every touch, every kiss, and make it into something much more than it is.

By the time our child, a beautiful girl named Christina, had been born, things were irretrievably broken between her father and me. Several months later, I left his home and moved back to my grandparents'. I was lucky to be able to continue high school, but like most young parents in my situation, I needed to seek government assistance to help with the insurmountable bills I never expected.

Reality came crashing down on me. I never had realized the demands and pressures that parenthood would bring. I was lucky to have supportive teachers, friends and family members, who, although sometimes overbearing, were always there for me. My daughter's father came by occasionally, although by the time I moved back home he and I had become quite volatile toward one another. We rarely spoke and when we did, it was never nice. He felt I had trapped him, and I, still clinging to my childish fantasies, felt he had betrayed my love, my trust. I laid a lot of the blame and guilt that I felt in his direction. It was much easier to feel less guilty myself by making him the bad guy.

Now I realize how he must have felt seven years ago, when I called him late at night to tell him of his impending fatherhood. Scared, alone, disbelieving. I don't absolve him for not taking part in his child's life, but I guess I can understand him a little better.

Looking back on the last seven years, I realize that I have grown up, and am still growing up right beside my daughter. I regret that there were many things that she did as a baby that I did not have the character or the maturity to appreciate as fully as I do now. I remember that when she was a baby, I was much more a big sister to her than a mom, content to play with my beautiful little "doll," dressing her in the prettiest dresses, putting the cutest bows in her hair and matching frilly socks on her feet.

Eventually it dawned on me that she was not a doll I could put on a shelf until I felt like playing with her again. She was a living person who soaked up everything I did and learned from it. She had demands and needs, and it was my responsibility to take care of them.

She isn't a baby anymore; she's already in the second grade. She is growing into the confident young lady I hoped she would be. I listen as she reads books out loud or calls a friend on the telephone, and I see how precious a gift I have been given.

After she was born, I graduated from high school. I am now a paralegal-in-training with a law firm specializing in guardianship issues. I am married and my husband and I have a 19-month-old son. I feel successful now. But the road still is not easy.

Being a parent is the most complicated yet rewarding job there is. All the education in the world cannot prepare you for the ups and downs. There is no textbook to give you the answers, no test to pass or fail, no notes that you can copy from of someone else. You have to learn through experience, and experience comes with age.

I write this in the hope that one parent who reads this will go home and talk to his or her son or daughter. All too often, those hugs that we give so freely to our children when they are small tend to come less and less the older our kids get. You may hear an "Aw, mom" or "Aw, dad," but the extra hugs and kisses will be worth more than any present you can ever buy.

I also write this with the hope that one teenager will read this and talk to his or her mom or dad, or even girlfriend or boyfriend. As teenagers we feel invincible: We feel the world is ours for the taking, that things like pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases can't happen to us.

Every hour, in this country alone, one out of every 100 women who finds out she is pregnant is under the age of 17. It is up to each sexually active teenager to learn to protect herself or himself.

Take it from someone who has been there. Abstinence is the best policy, but if you are going to have sex, be smart about it. If you are taking adult actions, then you are old enough to take on adult responsibilities. Being a parent is not temporary. The title "mom" or "dad" stays with you forever.

16 year old daughter wants to date a 23 year old man...

2009-06-24T09:55:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My 16 year old daughter wants to date a 23 year old man that I have never met nor will she tell me his name, where she knows him from, etc.

I am very nervous about the session 2 assignments...

2009-06-18T07:47:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I am very nervous about the session 2 assignments. I have always been lenient with my 13 year old. I'm worried about how bad it's going to get before it gets better.

My teen ran away last month...

2009-06-16T16:14:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

I need help with the following issue:

My teen ran away last month: checks in via voice mail with "unknown" caller id to say "don't worry, I'm fine", when she knows I'll be at work. Says she is .coming home this week... wants me to leave a key outside; I won't. I don't want her to be able to come in and just get clothes, or whatever.. She has been gone over a month now,( she turned 17 a couple of days ago) and I have mixed feelings about how to receive her when she does come home... I am glad I just started "My Out of Control Teen" today. Any ideas?, or encouragement out there? Signed, Hopeful.

He has been in trouble with the police...

2009-06-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

I need help with the following issue: my son is 16 am i too late to try any of these stratagies. between the ages of 14 -16 he has been in trouble with the police for damage/graffitti, he has been permanently excluded from school following a fight, was then given a place at college where he has done nothing except get involved in cannibis and the wrong crowd.. In the next few days he will leave with no qualifications what so ever.. I know he feels he has messed up and doesnt know which way to turn , but he wont listen to any help/advice being offered. Also he is adamant he is taking him self off to the south coast to get a holiday job and is not coming back , he says hes got no real friends in his home town and wants toget away from all of them and start again..I dont feel he is mature enough to fend for himself, although he thinks he knows everyhting, his record so far says not... Is he too old for a wilderness camp or boot camp.. and how do i find out about costs, duration etc.

She hits me and calls me a bitch...

2009-06-04T07:50:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

I have an 11yr. old daughter who thinks that she doesn't have to listen to me and her step-father. She hits me and calls me a bitch. What can I do to make her listen to me.

15 year just shuts down...

2009-06-04T07:05:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issues:

I am only on the first session and trying very hard - but my 15 year just shuts down, he wants to quit his job and I haven't even started at the next session. I am at a real loss.

My son is lying to me and skipping school...

2009-05-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My son is lying to me and skipping school. He is a Junior in HS and says he wants to get good grades and go to college but is not demonstrating this behavior - I think some of his influence is coming from a not so well behaved girlfriend.

16 yr old son defies every rule...

2009-05-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

My 16 yr old son defies every rule we set in our house... he does whatever he wants... when we ground him, he just laughs it off. Any help?

Suffering mom

How am I to discipline this behaviour?

2009-05-18T05:56:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

How do I handle my 15 1/2 year old son defying me when I tell him he has lost privileges to go outside and he goes out anyway. He also defied me the same way last evening and this morning. He then comes inside and acts like he did nothing wrong. How am I to discipline this behaviour?

Son gets mad when he is playing on the computer...

2009-05-15T05:55:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My son (10) gets mad when he is playing on the computer and hits down on his keyboard. He is like a different child when playing racing games or when he has to get to a certain level in the game. He is very intense. He broke his keyboard and he had to save for his new one for 3 weeks. Wonder how long this one will last. He has ADD and ODD. Is this common that kids get so hyperfocused and wild.

16 year old son has asd and is getting bullied...

2009-05-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support =

My 16 year old son has asd and is getting bullied at his small school. It is him against the rest of the world. The other day he retaliated after a disgusting comment made by one student by kicking and punching 5 boys. He also in another class has stood up to the teachers and told them that they can't make him do things. He never shows remorse for his behaviour or can that he is in the wrong. He has talked about killing them. How do you get kids to see that they are in the wrong?

Our 16 year is very immature has ADHD, anxiety disorder and ASD...

2009-04-21T05:34:00.001-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Our 16 year is very immature has ADHD, anxiety disorder and ASD. He cannot see beyond the immediate time having no control. At present he is highly stressed and is abusive, rude and non-compliant. We are fiding taking all his electrical items away for 3 days doesn't have effect him. In fact it has just made him angrier and more defiant. We feel that we have now lost any respect or control of him. He is going to school but struggles immensely academically and socially. He is incredibly OCD at present as his anxiety has taken hold. Ideas?

16 year old son suffers from high level anxiety...

2009-04-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

My 16 year old son suffers from high level anxiety and high level asd. He only does what he wants and is rude, intolerable and shows no remorse. He shows no interest in learning to deal with his anxiety and ocd behaviour. We have tried the taking things away for three days but he is so stubborn and it seems to just make him more detached and angry. We have basically taken everything away... all we are getting now is abuse. Where do we go to from here?

Son has been getting worse...

2009-04-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

Parents Support One Another @ MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support = I need help with the following issue:

Our 18 year old son has been getting worse and more defiant. Stealing smoking pot defiant. No motivation. Anger it is awful ...I am so beat up mentally. Help.