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I need help with the following issue:
My 16.5 year old daughter just had temper, swearing fit because I didn't give her what she wanted...she went out and said she wasn't coming home. She is also pregnant and is planning on having an abortion but because I didn't give into letting her boyfriend sleepover tonight she said she is going to have the baby just to piss us off!!
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Six Tips for Parenting Angry Teens
Hang in there! The difference between the families that make it and those that don’t is parental tenacity. Parents who hang in, who continue to express love and concern, who continue to insist on knowing where their kids are going and with whom, who include their teens in family events, and who stubbornly refuse to give up are the parents who generally manage to save their kids.
Hang on (to your sense of humor)! Yes, a sense of humor. Without it, ‘rents are really sunk. As one exhausted mom told me, “I’ve decided to take the position that it’s all quite boring. Every weekend, my son goes somewhere he shouldn’t with someone he shouldn’t and does something he shouldn’t. It’s all boringly predictable.” This Mom hadn’t given up. She had discovered that putting a sardonic twist on the situation allowed her to take a step back. She was then able to look at the larger picture instead of getting caught up in the misbehavior of the week.
Take it seriously, but not personally. Angry teens sometimes do have things to be angry about. But equally often, their anger seems totally out of proportion to their lot in life. If you have treated your child with love and respect all along and that child is still hostile, it may have very little to do with you or with how that child was raised. There are more influences on a child’s life than his or her parents. Parents who resolutely stay involved and responsible but who don’t take each and every misbehavior as a personal attack are usually more effective than those who take all comments and actions to heart.
On the other hand, if you do have things to apologize for, do it. It’s never too late to start over. Kids really do want parents, but they want parents they can trust. An honest apology and genuine efforts to make the family a better place to be can set the family in a new direction. It will take time. The kids won’t believe you at first and may even test you. But if you stick to it, most kids will come around.
Remember that the kid is as scared as you are. Sullen and hostile moods often are covers for fear. Let’s face it: it’s scary out there! It’s hard enough to negotiate the world as adults. Many kids find it just plain overwhelming. Rather than show their vulnerability, they posture to themselves and each other. Talking and acting like a surly big shot is a great cover when a person feels small, ineffectual, and scared. ( By the way — parents who act like surly big shots are usually also feeling small, ineffectual, and scared.)
Find ways to let the teen “save face.” It’s not all that uncommon for a kid to realize that he or she has gone too far. In those moments, it’s very important to give the kid a way to back down gracefully. Scolding, punishing, nagging, or lecturing will only make the teen defensive. When cornered, teen pride demands a hostile response. Instead, give the kid a back door. Try that sense of humor (see No. 2). See if some gentle kidding like “Who are you and where did you put my son?” alters the situation.
Understand adolescent depression. Irritability and explosiveness in teens are sometimes symptoms of depression. If your teen’s mood seems unreasonable given his or her situation, it is important to have a professional screen for depression. Sometimes it really is about biochemistry. When that is the case, some medication and counseling will do more than lectures and consequences.
Thank you for this comment. I have not given up, but was just about to in a way until I read this.
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