My fiance and I have three children total. I have one son from a previous relationship and he has two daughters. We have his daughters every weekend, but we are making a transition to having is oldest here permanently. My son and his oldest daughter are the same age and in the same class at school.
The problem I'm having is this...all of our children are spoiled rotten. We both have given each other permission to punish all the children as we see fit. Tonight his daughter was crying to go to her granmother's house and he would not give in. After she was asleep he came in and told me that she was just too spoiled. I agreed and told him that it was our fault because she has been living with her grandmother since before we got together. He went completely off on me! Asked how dare I call his child spoiled when mine is just as bad. But the thing is I simply agreed with him!! I did not say anything other than what he had already said and it started a HUGE argument!
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I don't understand where this is coming from. He tells me all the time how rotten my son is, although his behavior has improved since we've been a family. Why is he doing this? He won't even speak to me now and has said that the reason that she doesn't live with us is because I don't want her here! I'm the one that picked her up today to come back home with us. I'm the one that gets her everytime she comes. I love both of his girls like they were mine, and I treat them no less than I treat my own...and he has commented on this many times in our relationship! Is this guilt coming out of him? What would make a man react so mean for me simply agreeing with a statement about his daugher? Sory for the rant! Thanks for listening! I'm just completely crushed right now....
You know....when families break up, its like a huge earthquake has taken place at the root of the family structure, and it has!! Next.....when they disintegrate, and then decide to Pal up with a second time arounders, sadly.....confusion reigns....and why? because, there are casualties, some carry the scars deep inside, where no one can see them....and they get covered up in the passage of time, only to surface....and unexpected occassions....and THEN...OUCH!!! it HURTS!! Unfortunately......sometimes, we overlook the frailty of those who are small, and in our enthusiasm and joy to at last have found someone we can walk the rest of our life with.....we sweep ourselves along believing all and sundry will rejoice and forget who they were, and where they came from, and what they have'nt got...and we expect things will be great! But, sadly, it does'nt work out like that, when there are children involved. children do not respond because they are or may seem to be "spoilt". all they care about, is having security, safety, peace, and happiness. they've been hurt. My advice....would be, and I doubt very much whether anyone would agree from where I'm coming from....but for what its worth....here it is.
Its possible, for the sake of the children, (self sacrifice), to take a huge step right back!! Both parties, okay, you love each other, but thats not the issue here. Its the children that matters more than anything. If it were me, and I were in a similar situation, (forget the spoilt bit, thats just an indication there is something else far reaching and very important going on.), it it were me, I would be seriously looking to move into a nice homely place on my own, a town house or something small, neat, easy to maintain, and I would be giving my children the first priority, and meeting up with my man, and his family, and taking the relationship, slowly, slowly, lightly. Just keeping it at a distance in a friendly, caring way. This would show his children as well as your own, that their welfare and happiness means a whole lot more than your own! This will make an impact on them as time goes by, and shows a deep respect and feeling for them and the adjustments they have to make just simply from not having their original parents. When we follow Gods way of doing things, things work out right. You have issues you need to address within your family structure and so does your boyfriend. You don't have a right to tell his kids off, and neither does he with yours!! The children shouldnt have to be around either of you, while you slip and slide along your railway track, trying to settle your carriages down! The child wanted its grandmother, NOT because shes spoilt, but because granma offers her the only thing that is seen and felt to be secure in her life!! Neither of you, can, nor ever should, force your impressions upon the children, even to the point of distressing them. You both had a chance in your previous marriages. you blew it!! get over it!! And be prepared to let go a little, and be loving, consistent, and safe, for your children to one day, want to look up to you. it CAN work!!
if you forget yourselves and what you want, and are prepared to make sacrifices for each of your families happiness.
life has a way of rewarding us, when we do right!! You have nothing to loose and everything to gain!
i also have a step daughter and she is the same age as one of my daughters. i have been through all the "your child, my child" stuff. the thing that you really need to do is sit your partner down and set up some ground rules. just because you agree with his opinion doesnt mean you dont love his child and niether does it mean you dont love your own child when you say it about him.my partner and i decided long ago what was acceptable and what wasnt, who could discipline etc. if your partner expects you to take on a parental role in all other ways, like looking after his child and picking her up etc, then he has to expect it in all areas. you have to tell him he was out of line and you wont put up with that because that is exactly the kind of thing kids pick up on and play on. why dont you talk to him about working together to find a solution to the spoilt problem with certain rules for all the children instead of going against each other, surely he could see that attacking you isnt going to solve anything. if he seems unreasonable tell him that it is his responsibilty to deal with his daughter and you will have no part of it until he can trust you as it is unfair.it is really hard in a blended family and it takes time to build up your relationship enough where you are both comfortable to say what is on your mind without backlash. i know it is not always agreed with but counsilling for the family can help, if not just for you to help you with ways with which to deal with things. my husband felt guilty about his daughter for a long time but he learned that it didnt benefit his daughter in the end because kids really do thrive in a happy, disciplined and routine environment and when you feel guilty it affects the decisions you make and how you deal with things. he probably knows you really do want his daughter there but is just using you as an excuse and someone to blame, but that isnt fair on you. hope you work it out
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