I got pregnant quickly with my boyfriend and several months into my pregnancy, I found that he had googled "child nudists" and things on his google. I also found some questionable porn on his computer. And then I found out that he has a record for exposing himself to a kid outside his old apartment ground floor balcony door, seven years ago, which he said was a mistake, that the kid was wrong. I asked him about the porn thing just recently because I assumed that the porn was maybe an accidental download or something, he downloads lots of things. He told me that he had read a news article online about it and that there was a link to it or something so he watched and said it made him sick. But since our daughter has been born, I have been eaten up with guilt. I feel so stupid for staying. I feel sick to my stomach. I know I should leave, right? But I can't let him have my daughter at all. Would he be able to see her? Could I get full custody? Could his explanations be true?
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hi- your situation is definately scary and confusing and harder to resolve in practice than in theory. As a clinical psychologist, the first thing I can tell you is that it's hard to judge the situation without more details about yourb/f and his history. How much do you know about his childhood and early sexual experiences? Any idea if he was involved in sexually abusive situations as a kid? Is he aroused by standard sexual activities in your relationship or is he, for instance, dependent on roleplay or porn? Is he fundamentally an insecure person who tends to feel inadequate or does he have a really solid sense of self? These are all hugely important clues. Other thing: have you caught him in other unrelated lies? How open is he about discussing sex, fantasies with you in general? ALso, it would help to know what exactly the "questionable porn" is. Some men really ride the line with porn- fantasizing about younger girls (teens) or virgins/innocent girls but not prepubescent children.
I would definately develop a safety plan for leaving- map out where you would go, how, what you would bring, what you would tell him, etc. However, before doing so I would investigate all these things further. Get him to talk about sexual fantasies casually, maybe lead by example. Make him feel comfortable about opening up. Look for clues. Don't leave him alone with your daughter in the meantime. Investigate and talk to him as much as possible .
Feel free to write me if I can help. Good luck!
Wow.
Very scary situation, and i pray that i'm never in your position.
If you feel the slightest bit uneasy with him and your daughter, leave.
Get a lawyer, if the "exposing" himself story is true there will be documentation with the law that the lawyer will be able to find. Chances are with that, he will not be able to get any kind of custody unless it is court monitored.
Wow.
Very scary situation, and i pray that i'm never in your position.
If you feel the slightest bit uneasy with him and your daughter, leave.
Get a lawyer, if the "exposing" himself story is true there will be documentation with the law that the lawyer will be able to find. Chances are with that, he will not be able to get any kind of custody unless it is court monitored.
His explanations could be true but are you willing to take that chance? Good honest people don't find them selves in any of those situations more than once if ever!!!
I wouldn't leave my child alone with him. I would first investigate the laws where you live on custody and such. Consult an attorney (usually little or no cost for a consultation)
And most importantly, FOLLOW YOUR GUT!!!! A mom knows when something is wrong and all to often they chalk it up to being paranoid (society is great at making us feel this way) Please take it from someone who knows all to well Trust your instincts and protect that baby!. God bless you.
It sounds like you already know a lot of what his secret affairs are. Every one of them who said "get out of that situation" is correct. You are not married to him, so you have no obligation by form of a vow to stay. Because he has an outstanding record the likelihood of him getting any visitation would be minimal, I think, and you would get custody without question. There are so many men out there who want to love and help with a small family. Don't be guilt ridden yourself, there is nothing you can do about his fantasy life. You are doing everything you can to make sure there is a positive atmosphere around your child. Even bringing up the child as a single parent would be better than having that significant other present.
Be around him when he is with your daughter. The other thing the courts might do, if he really wants to be that father, is allow visitation with a court personnel or other responsible adult present.
Be brave and know that even by asking this you are showing yourself to be an informed, responsible parent. Good for you.
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