Online Parent Support Chat

We just want our daughter back...


I would like to ask a question about my teen. We were having some major issues that I talked to you about before. She was staying out for days at a time, skipping school, anger and defiance,etc. We finally felt we needed to get her an intervention and get her away from the situations here. We took her to a behavior treatment program where she could also take school work. She did great at the program and they said she was one of their leaders. We went for her mid-term and she was really good. She wanted to come home but knew she had to complete the program. She completed it and we picked her up and within hours, she was having her anger issues all over again. We hoped it was just anxiety. When we got home, she went out without permission two different times and as not pleasant to us as all. We didn't want to go down that road again as it was all very painful. We told her she had to have respect for us and our rules or she had to find a new place to live. She chose the latter and is living with her boyfriend at his aunt's place. They are both 16. She will not see any of the family which is exactly what she did before when she was seeing this same boy. They become so enclosed within themselves that can't seem to find a balance with friends and family, etc. We want her back home so bad but just don't know what to do from this point on. She doesn't want to come home as the aunt continues to let her live there. We just feel so saddened by everything and in hindsight, should not have given her a choice of leaving or staying as we should have known what she would do. We were told by the program where she was at that we could not allow her to come home and run the show again. We had to lay down the rules immediately. She didn't like the ruls and would just laugh at us when we even mentioned them. We had tried some of your program before but it wasn't of much use when she wasn't even home at all. We'd see her maybe 2 hours per week and not even to talk to her as she wouldn't speak with us. At this program she was at, she couldn't uncover where her anger is coming from. She is adopted so we wondered if that played into it at all.

We desperately need help in this situation! Any suggestions? We just want our daughter back.



I don't see much that you can do. You could text her and ask that she keep informing you that she's ok...the less you try to demand things or control the situation, the sooner you'll get her back. Promising (via text message), that she will not be punished when she comes back might help, but I would suggest that you not do that unless you mean it.

I agree with the above post. You can't make her come home. I also left home at 16, although I'm sure the circumstances are different. All you can do is let her know that you love her and want her to be safe, whether you leave a voice-mail or text her. Just in case she ignores you attempts at contacting her, though, I suggest calling her friends and/or their parents to relay the message to her. Even if she won't tell you where she is, ask her to at least let you know that she's safe, that she has a roof over her head and food to eat. If you don't hear from her, call the police back and tell them that you've lost contact. I know it ***** that the cops don't want to/can't do much. Did you two have a fight before she "took off"? Is there any indication as to why she left home? Feel free to PM me is you want to discuss that in private.

The biggest problem I think everyone is missing here is this... you as her mother are 100% responsible for EVERYTHING she does, it’s easy for the police to tell you there is nothing they can do as she is technically not missing, but you can guarantee they will be banging down your door if she breaks the law.. ughh .. anyway there is not much you can do at this point, hope to god I am never in this situation.

I know what you are feeling my 15 yr old son has done this repeatedly to me you worry and can't sleep...this will not be the last time. I found useful to try to be calm ( which is extremely difficult when you are so worried) but I throw back my at my son how he has made me feel such as you have hurt my feelings, you have disappointed me that you don't think of how I feel when I don't know where you are, how would you feel if you couldn't find me??? This is the only thing that works with my son.

What point is it that you feel she doesn’t understand? The fact is, that you may well -have- lost control of her. If she considers whatever she experienced while she was away to be proof that she can survive without you, then she won't see any reason to defer to you anymore. At her age it's normal to need to try and prove, both to herself and everyone around her, that she is independent, and doesn't need you. This is part of a differentiation process that begins around puberty, peaks around 15, and continues, albeit with progressively less contention, until she either moves out or starts feeling like an adult member of the household.

I have a 16 yr old daughter that has decided to not come home for the past 3 days. She has been going out with a guy that we thought was good for her who is almost 18. They have been together just over 2 months and claim total and undying love. Problem is she has been cutting classes, not going to school at all claiming a mental breakdown. She has a mental health counselor that I haven't seen much help from at all. She is fine around lots of other people. Goes to classes when she feels like and basically has blown off her first semester of grade 11. She used to be an honor roll, principals list student until grade 10 that is when things started to go wrong. She has already gone through the drug counseling issues. I am praying to the Lord for help, but wonder should we tell her to come and get her belongings, and kick her out or should we wait for her to possible come home. She texted me saying she wasn't sure when she was coming home, but her phone is dead now. There is a phone where she is staying. HELP. DO I JUST WAIT???

I have an out of control stepson aged 16 who goes out every night and sometimes doesn't come back for days and treats the house like a hotel never doing anything at all. When I confronted him recently and insisted he stayed in he beat me up. He doesn't go to school and just lies about all day watching TV or playing games with me. I have now reached the conclusion that it is better to let him work his way through this stage of development and he hope he becomes more mature.

When I ask my 16-year old son why he doesn't want to be home, he says it's because he's a teenager. He at least now has a job, since he drives and is costing us money in car insurance and gas (he'll now be paying some of.) He failed a class for the first semester, and that's bad. He used to be a straight A student until middle school, but at least B's and C's. Now all C's and failed the Spanish first semester. I do think he's doing some kind of drug, even though is says he quit. It has been very hard.

I think back to when I was 16. The only thing that I would listen to is myself. I knew it all and nothing anyone else would tell me was going to make any difference at all. My 16 year old decided she was going to start making the rules, therefore it's time for her to have her own place where she can apply these rules. These rules will not take place in my house, and I wish her nothing but the best. I will always be here for her, but I refuse to be lied to, walked on, and made out to be the bad guy. I hope she has a warm coat because it's cold outside.

I also have a 16 year old daughter, and she has disrespected me for the last time. On Tuesday she got caught in my house having sex with her so called boyfriend, of two months. Knowing my number one rule is no one in the house when I’m not there. When I confronted her she had no remorse and said that she did nothing wrong this is her house. I said no honey this was your home, not your house. I did kick her out. made sure she has roof and food on the table. Some of friends do not agree with my decision. But I believe that just because we are the grown ups/adults why should we take the disrespect from them? Yes they are only 16, but if you are old enough to do drugs have sex, then you should be old enough to realize that having sex in your mother’s house is a BIG NO-NO...

My Out-of-Control Teen

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I also have a 16 yr old daughter that doesnt want to follow my rules and ran away because of it. I found out she went to her mothers then ran from there and was living with a boy-friend this is something I am reading alot of in these posts. I in no way was going to let my daughter live with a boy-friend or his family and I got the police and dhs involed because if you ask them to come home and they refuse, where they are staying is considered harboring a runaway and police will remove him or her. This will place them in dhs custody and possibly foster care or another family member thats willing to take them. I went this route and although my daughter is not living with us at least I know shes not living in a place were im not in the loop. food for thought