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Our son is 14 and is getting poor grades...

Parents Support One Another @ = I need help with the following issue:

Our son is 14 and is getting poor grades since the beginning of this year, is using marijuana and is openly defiant with us at home and with teachers at school. We are doing the assignments in session 1 but we know that his sister who is 2 years older (and not defiant) supports him when he speaks poorly of authority figures. What can we do?

13 year old daughter dates 17+ year olds...

My 13 year old daughter dates 17+ year olds. Any advise????


Hi Our 17 year old son has suddenly changed from a pretty good teen to a kid that fits the description of ODD in the space of 5 weeks. We had to take him go to a Youth Hostel because the school counsellor said his behaviour at home was too much to handle and was escalating (wanting to fight his Dad, calling us 'f'ing morons, telling me to shut up, not telling us where he was going, hanging up on us all the time - all out of character). He got really good attention and help from the staff there (how to iron, wash, do chores, still attend school etc). But our son rebelled against it and convinced his friend's parent (by lying) to get him out. He has been living with her and her son for 2 weeks and he's starting to not like her rules either and acting like the boss in her house now. He won't have any contact with us and we don't know what to do. I'm sure she is going to ask him to leave within days but he has no money so where will he go? He is still going to school but for how long I don't know. He has always been a willful child but was doing well in school and wanted to get a good job but now he has just 'lost it'. Don't understand how this happened. Do we try to contact him again (he always tells us to 'f' off though) and ask him to come home or do we let him 'hit rock bottom' so he appreciates what he had and wants to come back? Then maybe we could get some counselling. (I doubt he will admit he was wrong - it's always someone else's fault). Sorry to ramble but things are spiraling out of control.


All children are oppositional from time to time, particularly when tired, hungry, stressed or upset. They may argue, talk back, disobey, and defy parents, teachers, and other adults. Oppositional behavior is often a normal part of development for two to three year olds and early adolescents. However, openly uncooperative and hostile behavior becomes a serious concern when it is so frequent and consistent that it stands out when compared with other children of the same age and developmental level and when it affects the child’s social, family and academic life.

In children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), there is an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that seriously interferes with the youngster’s day to day functioning. Symptoms of ODD may include:

* Frequent temper tantrums
* Excessive arguing with adults
* Often questioning rules
* Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
* Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
* Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
* Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
* Frequent anger and resentment
* Mean and hateful talking when upset
* Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking

The symptoms are usually seen in multiple settings, but may be more noticeable at home or at school. One to sixteen percent of all school-age children and adolescents have ODD. The causes of ODD are unknown, but many parents report that their child with ODD was more rigid and demanding that the child’s siblings from an early age. Biological, psychological and social factors may have a role.

A child presenting with ODD symptoms should have a comprehensive evaluation. It is important to look for other disorders which may be present; such as, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), learning disabilities, mood disorders (depression, bipolar disorder) and anxiety disorders. It may be difficult to improve the symptoms of ODD without treating the coexisting disorder. Some children with ODD may go on to develop conduct disorder.

Treatment of ODD may include: Parent Management Training Programs to help parents and others manage the child’s behavior. Individual Psychotherapy to develop more effective anger management. Family Psychotherapy to improve communication and mutual understanding. Cognitive Problem-Solving Skills Training and Therapies to assist with problem solving and decrease negativity. Social Skills Training to increase flexibility and improve social skills and frustration tolerance with peers.

Medication may be helpful in controlling some of the more distressing symptoms of ODD as well as the symptoms related to coexistent conditions such as ADHD, anxiety and mood disorders.

A child with ODD can be very difficult for parents. These parents need support and understanding. Parents can help their child with ODD in the following ways:

* Always build on the positives, give the child praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.
* Take a time-out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your child worse, not better. This is good modeling for your child. Support your child if he decides to take a time-out to prevent overreacting.
* Pick your battles. Since the child with ODD has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your child to do. If you give your child a time-out in his room for misbehavior, don’t add time for arguing. Say “your time will start when you go to your room.”
* Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently.
* Maintain interests other than your child with ODD, so that managing your child doesn’t take all your time and energy. Try to work with and obtain support from the other adults (teachers, coaches, and spouse) dealing with your child.
* Manage your own stress with healthy life choices such as exercise and relaxation. Use respite care and other breaks as needed

Many children with ODD will respond to the positive parenting techniques. Parents may ask their pediatrician or family physician to refer them to a child and adolescent psychiatrist or qualified mental health professional who can diagnose and treat ODD and any coexisting psychiatric condition.

My Out-of-Control Child