Online Parent Support Chat

Adult-Minor Dating

Maybe I'm just being over-protective or maybe not. Over a year ago my daughter and the neighbor boy fell for each other and I found out that everyone was hiding it from me including my wife. Thank God my 8 y/o son told me. When I asked why nobody told me about it they replied that I would have freaked out about it. Well I did'nt freak out about it but I was so upset that all of them kept it from me. Now at the time my wife and I were having problems in our marraige and I was staying back and forth at from my mom's and our house while we worked things out between us. So I gathered everyone together ( his parents, my wife and daughter, and this boy) and i expressed to them that I wanted it to end and I explained to them why I, as her father, feel this way. I knew that one day this boy would be 18 and my daughter just turning 15. Now, this boy is not a bad kid and he does'nt get into trouble. He works and is active in ROTC and school activities as well....BUT.....there's more!!

This boy has already had sex and smoked pot and probably alcohol. Well, just a couple of weeks ago I found out that she had a hicky on her neck from him so I go over to confront all of them and my wife told me to leave or she was calling the police. I told her that their relationship was over because he just turned 18 that day and she told me "No it's not"! So now i have nobody to support me on this. I don't know what I can do as I only have visitation rights to my children. It's killing me that I have to just sit back and watch this all unfold and my hands are tied I feel. What should I do or should I just let whatever happens happen?

She has until August of next year to give consent and I'm afraid that she being so young and him being experienced, that she will do what it takes to keep him from leaving her and if it means sex then well....I hate to think she'll consent too early. It pisses me off!

Our laws state that she can consent at age 16 which next august. But why should I wait until it happens to do anything about it. I'm trying to be proactive and not reactive.


Anonymous said...

First, I will not judge this relationship or you. Here is my story, I hope it helps in some way. Your "All" in my thoughts.

Oh- I feel your frustration. Just consider this.....option..

Have confidence in yourself and your child. At age 15, you have already planted the foundation of morals, character and respect in your child.

Step back. Breath. You were 15. I was 15.
We are growing, changing and experimenting. That is part of life right?

As a parent, share the truth as you know it-
The house rules are this......
The dating rules are this.....
I feel strongly about this.....
I love you and will trust YOU to make the right choices and will Beside you to help you make them.

Show her HOW to be responsibile for her body, spirit and emotional being. Help her be a woman. She techincally, physically is capable to be a mother "right now". So lets give her that lesson as well. Help her set "real physcial boundries" and be with her and support her as SHE tells him that, if nesscary.

Take her to the doctor, make sure she is safe. Calmly tell her the "real" reality of sex- disease that comes with any sexual contact, the emotional complexity of relationships no matter the age is difficult.

Then with ease and grace set back and let her make the choices. Be there to support her in this process. Do not ignore her, yet.....Dad.... your baby is gone, she is a woman and you are the man she loves most in life. No matter what happens.

The hormones are happening, you can only help her make right choices. If this is a good boy, then keep him very close.
Have them at YOUR house, all the time. They can't makeout on the living room sofa "too much" if your in the other room. Right?!

I'm not blowin smoke up your A!
This really works. It has several times.
The first example is my very own. I was 16 and he was 21.
We actually dated and went on weekend trips together, we never had sex, yet came close a few times. I set my boundries with help and love, support from my parents.

As a parent, it hurts to be "out of control" or worse "out of the loop " of information.

If you share custody with the MOM, please come together on this issue. Form a united front of love and support for your child.

I was raised by good parents, great morals and they set wonderful examples of relationships and so forth.
I had sex at age 15 and just barely there. I wanted too. My choice and it was a great experience. It changed my life.
The person I dated, the older man, never knew this, I never told anyone, we never had sex in our 2 years of relationship. It was my body and I respected it. I was empowered as a woman with the knowledge of "what" a mistake could cost me forever.

I told my best friend this truth at my twenty year HS reunion. He said he got into a fight with some guy "over" my honor/ virginity because HE Knew with out a doubt that I was a "repectful young lady" in High school and I was. Just not a virgin, per say. I told my mother about it, at age 16, just as I started to date a 21 year old, she was scared for me. She gave me the "no" tools that only a mature woman would know. I often used her as my excuse to get "home" to avoid a situation that would bring on temptation. My father, got to know my boyfriend and "be friended" him, they became great pals. He embraced him in a mature manner, and they did "guy" things together. That actually was the best thing ever. I loved my Dad for doing that. I never knew if Dad knew about my experiences, yet he did know that I was protected and very confident that HE was on my side of any situation.

So if you can- step out of the picture and look at it again. Perhaps this information will help you.
Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

YES! OH GOD YES!!! She doesn't know what she wants in life, and some creep is going to basically take her life away from her, where i live, this happens alot, and most of the girls end up running away with some other dude who they say is their soul mate, or commit suicide. He should be looking for girls his OWN age, He could go to jail for what he is doing, even if it is consented You need to end this, before anything else happens. If he is smoking pot, do you really want your daughter to be with a man who is a pot addict?