Online Parent Support Chat

15 year old daughter...

i have a 15 year old daughter that smokes ciggarettes and pot. I also suspect alcohol. But now i fear she is having sex. my wife seems to think she is going to do these things whether i like it or not. i dont know what to do i am angry


Anonymous said...

Find something in her room...pot or some other small amount of drugs. Call the police and have them go through the proceedure of bringing her to the station and so on... nothin like a quick scare. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. but its a shot

Anonymous said...

You can take that cell phone away or refuse to continue paying for it, and her instruments/music lessons, and car.... everything. then she'll be forced to get a job. If the mom is that lax about rules, she should be arrested.

Anonymous said...

Your daughter needs help right away! Do not delay. Please call a child protection agency right away and request services. Every state is required to provide free family preservation services in order to assist the whole family through difficult times like these.

Anonymous said...

My daughter went through a phase where she used all three at the same age -- 15. She also was going through other things like cutting and not eating.

My daughter is now 18. She does not smoke, drink, use drugs, and is working through her depression issues that caused her to cut and not eat (she currently does not cut and eats a healthy diet).

The last three years have been difficult, but worth it. Here is what I did.

1. I let her know that I loved her, unconditionally... this was not just with words, but with my actions.

2. I took the stance that I was more concerned about the reasons BEHIND the behavior -- WHY she was doing these things. IT WAS MANDATORY THAT SHE GOT PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. I also sought help for myself to figure out the best way to deal with it.

3. I treated the drinking/drug use and smoking as things I would absolutely not tolerate... I explained that I loved her, and these things were a. not healthy and b. illegal for her age. (It helped that I do not smoke--ALL alcohol was immediately removed from the house). There was calm and loving NO TOLERANCE. As to the cutting and no eating--these were more tricky, and were helped with counseling...they improved when the underlying issues were dealt with.

4. I was unrelenting and knew EXACTLY what was going on in her life. I knew where she was, who she was with and what they were doing at all times. If I was worried about who she was with or where she was going -- then she was not allowed to go, UNTIL she reached a point where I could trust her to make healthy decisions. At its worst, I was with her during every moment when she was not in school, AND I was in contact with the school and her teachers so that I knew that she was in school. With respect for her personal things -- such as diaries, poetry etc -- we went through her room together. Everything that was unhealthy: alcohol, cigarettes, a hidden scale, a noose (no kidding) was put in a pile -- the scale was put in the bathroom (and used to keep track of her weight) -- the rest was thrown away. When we went through her room, it was done in a calm (no anger) manner...I clearly explained that I was worried about her being in her room and that I needed to make sure it was healthy. Her personal writings were allowed to stay secret. I encouraged her to write down her feelings. Independence was not a right, but a privilege to be earned.

5. I told her that -- ultimately, SHE WAS IN CONTROL -- and i meant it. If she stopped the unhealthy behaviors and worked with a counselor, I would back off. There was ALWAYS a way to EARN privileges back when she followed through.

6. I put forth a tremendous amount of energy to make sure that I followed up with appropriate consequences -- extra chores, not going out with friends, grounding when needed and spending a lot of time with her. It was difficult to stay calm, to not lecture or shame her by saying "i told you so." I had to bite my tongue a lot. Although it was hard, everything worked better when I did not yell or lecture, but stayed calm and consistent. There was absolutely NO PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT.

7. I spent a lot of extra time with her. Taking her to her counseling appointments, doing things together that were positive like grabbing a movie, cooking dinner together. Just in general spending more time with her so that our interaction was not just negative.

8. Again, Toughness with Love at the core. I was tough as nails on rules, consistent with the consequences (clearly explained before-hand), but fair too. And all done with love -- I kept letting her know how much I loved her. I made myself available to LISTEN to what she had to say. I took her concerns seriously.

Today my daughter and I are closer than we were before all of the trouble at 15 and 16. It was a really tough period in both our lives. She could have gone down a different path, but didn't. She is still battling depression, but it is much more manageable. She is 18 and, although she can go to the store and buy cigarettes - she does not want to. She could go out at all hours of the night and sneak a drink or drugs -- but she does not want to.

You are actually lucky that your daughter is going through this NOW while you still have influence on how she handles herself.

Good luck.